Evangelion: A Cruel Random Thesis
by inu89
Summary: WARNING! This Series will include much randomness, HentaiYaoi References, Crossovers, Delicious cake, Gendo Bashing, Rei bashing, Emo Bashing thats shinji bashing yuri action, talking penguins, A Retarded Angel, iPods, Xbox's, Pimpingness, Beer, 4chan,
1. Chapter 1: LEt the Chaos begin!

WARNING! This Series will include much randomness, Hentai/Yaoi References, Crossovers, Delicious cake, Gendo Bashing, Rei bashing, Emo Bashing (thats shinji bashing) yuri action, talking penguins, A Retarded Angel, iPods, Xbox's, Pimpingness, Beer, 4chan, And other Things Adult Swim fans enjoy. i am Shyinuyasha of AS and inu89 at this site.i am here to present my and AS membersseries of Random Evangelion Nonsense! Enjoy! 

Chapter 1: Pimps , Meme's , a stand off and Unit01s REAL LCL.

Gendo: shinji...do you know why i called you down here?

Shinji: no why?

Gendo: you see these evangelions?

Shinji: yeah...why?

Gendo: they arent just for killing angels...

Shinji: then...what else are they? G

endo: _takes off glasses and looks at shinji smugly _they are babe magnets!

_cue gendo and shinji riding an eva eith hydraulics listening to low rider_

_HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

_Gendo walks into NERV passes by motoko, aoba and maya with Gendos exact glasses and gloves doing his trademark chin hold_

Gendo:...al...right..._proceeds further seeing more of his personel with his glasses and gloves doing his chin stance_.

Gendo: what the hell..._goes further to see shinji rei and asuka doing the same_ Whats gotten into you People!

Everyone:...4chan.

Gendo: Fucking Meme's...

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: Why does **GARHUNT05**he have me with a gun? I don't want to hurt anybody.

Asuka: Yah! I would do that myself! I'm not letting Shinji do my dirty work.

Rei: And he goes and inserts himself in. How disgusting.

Asuka: That's my line...

Shinji: He wasn't the only one, either.

Asuka: These people on the Internet are so pathetic.

Rei: Not as pathetic as Shinji, though.

Shinji: Hey!

Rei: Not by a long shot.

Asuka: Wow, Rei, you're really on a roll today! Highfive!

Rei: Yup. I was tired of you calling me a doll. So I changed to be more like you.

Asuka: Wow...you changed to be more like your hero - me! _sniff_

Rei: I wouldn't go that far...

Shinji: Now nobody likes me...

Rei: Nobody ever did. Stop crying, emo-boy.

Shinji: then you wont cry about this? shows a DVD containing Rei and Asuka Yuri cue stand off music

Asuka: you mother...

Rei: Fucker!

Shinji: yeah who's a little whiney emo now you DeutchLand dumbass!

Asuka: Cry me a river Angel fucker!

Shinji: Hitler

Youth Founder!

Asuka: Morman!

Shinji: Slut !

Asuka: Dick!

Shinji: Bitch!

Asuka: you Cock eyed fairy!

Shinji:...minmey!

Asuka: Take That back you little bitch!

_From the Command Room looking at the Monitor_

Gendo: I thought that was going to end in a threesome.

Ritsuko: well you know little about children commander

Gendo: well at least I had one

Ritsuko: two

Gendo: no I'm pretty sure I had one...oh no

Ritsuko: I'm pregnant!

_Reenacting darth vader_ Gendo: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Yui pops up_ Yui: YOU FAIL! _whacks him with a cactus sending him to Iowa._

Ritsuko:...sooooo...hows Life in Unit01 treating you? ()

Yui: good...im on my Period though...

Shinji: that would Explain why i smelled Blood in my entry

Plug Ritsuko+Yui: OO()...

End Chapter 1

Coming Soon: Chapter 2: YOU WIN A FREE iPOD! Im a birdy! and A word from Rei Ayanami.

(So theres Part one of my New series** Evangelion: A Cruel Random Thesis**. i wanna thank **GARHUNT05 **, **eva0001** And **TheRoyalFamilyI **of AS for the funny as hell Lines and quotes from other shows! Godbless Adult Swim!)


	2. Chapter 2: YOU WIN A FREE iPOD! and more

many quotes: i do not own eva...however...i own there randomness...lol

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Chapter 2: YOU WIN A FREE iPOD! Im a birdy! and A word from Rei Ayanami.

_pen pen chasing shinji_

Pen2: soim gonna bite you in the ass! im gonna _Barks_im bite you in the ass! im gonna bite you in the ass! im gonna bite you in the ass! im gonna bite you in the ass! im gonna bite you in the ass! im gonna bite you in the ass! _shrieks and yells_ im gonna bite yo ass! im gonna bite you in the ass!

Shinji: oh please, dont bite mah ass! i need that to live!

_Sachiel pops up_

Sachiel: CONGRADULATIONS! YOU LOSE! YOU WIN A FREE IPOD!_ Breaths and twitches_ YOU WIN A FREE iPOD AND YOU WIN FREE SMILEYS IN YOUR EMAIL! FREE SMILEYSWITH AN XBOX!YOU WIN A FREE XBOX! AND A FREE iPOD!FREE iPOD SO YOU CAN SEND YOUR FREE SMILEYS, TO YOUR XBOX AND iPOD BUDDIES! YOU WIN AFREE iPOD! A FREE iPOD!

Shinji: oh god please...help me...this penguin wants to bite my ass!

_Kaworu peeks head out_

Kaworu: Who the fuck said that!

Sachiel: X!BOX!

Pen2: well looks like to me that your fucked...

Shinji: i feel more emo'er then i ever been...

Sachiel: i! POD!

Pen2: YOUR ASS! _chomps_

Shinji: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_chibi rei appears_ Chibi rei yu fail! _throws Goat at him_

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Arael:cock! rock! Wak! Wak! Wok! Wak!im a birrrdy...caw caw! AWWAAWAAWAWAWAWA! im a birrdy!

_sachiel pops up_

Sachiel: Wait a minute...your not a bird!...YOUR A MAN!

Arael: _crappy bird calls_ FUCK Q MAN! YOU'LL NEVER GET MY INFORMATION! NEVEEER!

_flies away retardedly_

Zeruel: STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW...HEY! _looks stupid for a minute_ YOUR UNDER ARREST FOR IMPERSONATING A BIRD!

Arael:..._chicken talk_

Zeruel: YOU GOT CAUGHT BITCH!

_the 3 angels stand there for an hour_

Sachiel: What is love...?

_Sachiel gets pwned by a berserker evangelion Unit01_

Unit01: NO U!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Rei: _playing with kitty_..oh...hello there...i...didnt quite see you thar...as you all know me as Rei Ayanami From The critically accliamed but abombination to religion Neon Genesis Evangelion...and due to the current events that happend in the final movie...I AM NOW YOUR GOD! LOL!...sorry bout that...but as i said...I am now in charge of things...and im starting with this series...to all the fan boys and girls...I DEMAND MORE HENTAI SPOOFS WITH ME AND THE CHARACTERS! I MAY HAVE A CALM COMPOSITION, BUT DAMIT I CAN BE WILD AND SEXY AND LOOSE LIKE MISATO!

i am Rei ayanami...and i approve this message...

Gendo: and i though shinji was a pain in the ass...

OMGOmake Time:_ From Chapters ones scene with Ritsuko having Ikaris baby_

Gendo: I thought with that last post was going to end in a threesome.

Ritsuko: well you know little about children commander

Gendo: well at least I had one

Ritsuko: two

Gendo: no I'm pretty sure I had one...oh no

Ritsuko: I'm pregnant!

_Sachiel pops up_

Sachiel: CONGRADULATIONS! YOU LOSE! YOU WIN A FREE---

_Pen2 kicks the fuck out of him_

Pen2: WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Gendo: oh no...im having that band acid trip again!

_gendo gets Owned with an XBOX_

Sachiel: X! BOX!

end Chapter 2

Comign soon, Chapter 3: Locker Banging (Literally!) OMG kaji got Rap3d! and Bedroom Fun (is it Hentai? Come and See!)

(and you shall get thy wish rei...next Epy will include 2 hentai doujinshi spoofs...and...more 4chan Spoofs! OMG! i wanna thank Garhunt and the swimmers of the AS Boards, Xenon, and you! why does Arael say Q instead of you? well thats what you get for fucking too many peoples minds, you got a MTD Metally Transmitted Disorder, or...as carlos mencia would say...a DEE DEE DEE!...OMG UDATE! one of my friendly reviewers shinjiikari01 informed me of an OMAKE i sort of took, as i said the AS boarders posted it, i took it and remade it, SO HERES A SHOUT OUT TO GUNMAN FOR THE FUNNY AS HELL STORY, NO DISRESPECT MAN!)


	3. Chapter 3: uh oh! HENTAI!

And Welcome back to another Random Addition Of the Book of Random. Yup thats Right i renamed it, and who knows! i made Rename it again! lol

Chapter 3: Locker Banging (Literally!) OMG kaji got Rap3d! and Bedroom Fun (is it Hentai? Come and See!)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: _spending the night in the same roomwith Kaji_ Um, Kaji, why are you sleeping in my room?

Kaji: Because I feel alot more safer sleeping in the nude here than I do in Asuka's room.

Shinji: YOU SLEEP IN THE NUDE?

Kaji: Dammit Shinji, keep it down! Asuka might hear you!

Asuka: _pulls Shinji's door open_ WEEEEEEEEEEEE!_ jumps on Kaji_ SEX!

Shinji: Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!

Kaji: Curse you Shinji!

Shinji: you really should be curseing kensuke, he's the one who gave me the hidden cameras...

Asuka: Oh mein gott! This is going to be on the internet! Hang on! _goes to her room and fixes up her hair, make-up, etc_ Okay, now come here little sexy man

Kaji: Help! Rape! No...well...this would be nice if it was Misato but...uh, I mean, help! HELP! HELP!

Shinji: videotapping the whole thing Hahahahaha! Soon This will be over the Net!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_Dojin Sexscene parody locker room_

Asuka: Hey Shinji wTF happened during that battle

Shinji:...Are you okay Asuka?

Asuka: Im fine but really I could have handled that myself.

_Shinji Slams Asuka against a locker And Begins to bang her_

Asuka: what are you doing not here, ahhh!

_rei walks in_

Asuka: wait she might hear us..!

Shinji: nothing can stop me! not anyone!

Asuka: damn he's getting faster and faster I won't be able to hold on muchlonger!

_Shinji finishes_

_Rei walks out the locker room_Rei: I saw everything and next time would it hurt to invite me?

Asuka: Rei...You couldn't handle him

Shinji: wow That was awesome I'd always dreamed of doing something like that.

Gendo: _over_ PA dayam son I was't able to that until I was 23!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_Shinji is in his room studying but has trouble trying to because of the 'squeaking' noises coming from Misato's room with her and Kaji giggling_

Shinji: _throws down his textbook_ They've been at it for five hours! _bangs the wall_ keep it down!_ it gets louder_ THAT'S IT!

_Shinji opens the door to Misato's room to see her and Kaji jumping on the bed like two four year olds laughing and having fun_

Shinji: I said keep it down you two asses! Can't you see I am trying to bleeping study for a test!

_Kaji and Misato stop and so does the sqeaking bed springs_

M. Night Shamalyan: _magically appears a la Robot Chicken_ What a twist!

Kaji: Ahhh! Terriorist! _shoots M. Night_

Misato: My hero! _kisses him passionately_

M. Night: _in his dying breath_ What...a...twist...

Shinij: shit, this is fucked up...

End chapter 3

Coming soon, Chapter 4: a shouting match , My WI , And even more bedroom fun!

(il update as much as possible, I wanna thank **GARHUNT05**, samurai15388 , silverofwolfrain and the other Adult Swimmers on the Chat board, OMG M. Night Stared in here! ANd people LEave me some Reviews, if you cant find my stuff search for title Book of Randomness!)


	4. Chapter 4:My Wii And Moar!

Yeah i decided to go back on the previous title a Cruel Random Thesis. Anyway here i am Submitting another wacky Addition to the franchise!

Chapter 4: a shouting match , My Wii , And even more bedroom fun!

Misato: Shinji where is Asuka?

Shinji: she was in my room playing with my wii but i don't where she is now.

misato: oh ok

_long silence_

Misato: YOUR WHAT?

Shinji: last night, she was playing with my wii, I think she was the whole night too but i couldn't keep up so I fell asleep.

Misato: wow you're almost as good as kaji.

_the next day_

Shinji: NOOOOOOO! SOMEBODY STOLE MY Wii!

Misato: I'll get the ice.

Shinji: Why? That would just mess it up. . .

Misato: You should be grateful that I am trying to salvage it!

_Meanwhile. . ._

Asuka:_ playing on Shinji's Wii Super Smash Bros_. Brawl is the shiznit!

Rei: Yea, playing Ikari's Wii is awesome.

Asuka: MEIN GOTT! How are you so good at playing on Wii!

Rei: What do you think I've been doing with Ikari's dad all this time?

Happy Negro: OH SNNAAAP!

Rei+Asuka: wtf!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_Shinji and Asuka are having sex_

Pen Pen: Hey Shinji I smell whipped cream are you making strawberry-- _see's them_ AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!

_(NERV)_

Gendo: _hears him_ So it's a shouting match you want eh? well game on Tokyo 3! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHHH! AHHH! I'M BEATING YOU!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_Shinji is staying with Ritsuko At that exact moment, Misato and Asuka walked up the stairs to the apartment.  
_

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Asuka asked.

"Of course I'm sure." Misato said. _She suddenly stopped at the right door_. "And here we are."

_Before either of them could knock, a low moan caught their ears._

"Ohhhhh, that's so good, Shinji."

_Misato and Asuka look at each other in confusion._

"Don't move so much Ritsuko, I'm losing my grip."

_Asuka's eyes widened._

"I didn't know you were this talented with your hands, Shinji."

_Misato's jaw dropped._

"Oh, Shinji its so hard!"

"It'll feel good in a couple seconds."

"Ohhhhh, Shinji please, I can't take much more!"

"Don't worry it'll all be worth, I promise."

_Asuka started getting red-faced._

"Ohhhhh, that's it! Right there! That's great!"

_Misato's teeth ground as she drew her gun._

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!"

_The pair burst into the apartment, Misato had her gun drawn as the pair suddenly froze to find the boy pilot with his elbow buried in the blond scientists back as she was laying face down on the floor. He was fully clothed. She was naked from the waist up, save for her bra, but lying on her shirt._

"Oh. Hi, Misato. Asuka." _Ritsuko moaned as she tried to sit up, her shirt covering herself_.

"Just what is going on here?" _Misato demanded._

"Shinji was giving me a massage. Is there something wrong with that?" _Ritsuko asked._

_End Chapter 4_

Coming soon, Chapter 5: Rei's reward and Kajis Feelings , ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, Asukas somewhat True confessions bout shinji , some short Rants , What Really Goes on in Mr. Ikaris desk ,Some elevator fun andMOAR!

(once again big shout out to the homies at AS Garhunt and the others! PEACE OUT YALL!)


	5. Chapter 5: ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

Chapter 5: ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME And more!

--------------------------------------------------

Ikari: Rei I am very proud of you smiles

Rei: _blushes_

Ikari: Now take off your clothes.

Rei: I will do as you wish.

_both on bed_

_Ikari bouncing up and down rei_

Rei: ugghh ughhh! more! more!

-----------------------------------------------------------

_Kaji and Shinji sleeping_

_Kaji slips into Shinji's sleeping bag; Shinji blushes_

Shinji: K-K-Kaji.. what are you doing kaji?

Kaji: _kisses shinji_ shh.. don't tell misato..

Shinji: But kaji.. im only a boy..

Kaji: A very special boy _touches shinji's stomach and then his privates_

_Shinji: state of shocked excitement as his thing magically extends_

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: _In a banana suit_ ITS PENUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PENUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! _Starts dancing around_

Asuka: Where he at Where he at Where he at

Rei: There he go There he go There he go

Shinji: Peanut Butter Jelly Peanut Butter Jelly Peanut Butter Jelly

Misato: Peanut Butter Jelly Peanut Butter Jelly Peanut Butter Jelly with a base ball bat

_From the Balcony outside_

Kaji: Thats the last time I give them stuff from my private stash.

Gendou: No, no, Give them more! i wanna take a video of this!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Asuka: Shinji, I realize you have issues with everything, so I am sorry for making fun of you, and you are a much better pilot than I am

Shinji: Hold on, can you say that louder?

Asuka: Yes _says it louder_

Shinji: Wait, speak into this hands her a bullhorn

Asuka: _says it into the bullhorn_

Shinji: Now read this into the tape recorder

Asuka: _looks at the notecard_ Shinji Ikari is the sexiest man alive, the object of my sick fantasies, and also a way better Eva pilot than I will ever be...plus his feet smell like tofu and his breath can kill small animals

Shinji: HEY! I didn't write that!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: Listen, I've had it with the namby-pamby sumbitch whining that's been going on here. We get to save the world every day and blow shit up for no good reason. If you think that's the best dam job on the planet, gimme a Hell yeah!

Rei: _Enthusiastically_. HELL YEAH!

Shinji: Someone throw me beer! _Chugs it down, smashes it over his head_. Now, I'm gonna go pump some iron and bang the bejeezus out of Asuka. Feel free to join me! _Leaves, two middle fingers aloft and extended._

Gendo: Singing I feel pretty...oh so pretty...I feel pretty and witty and gaaay!

Kaworu: Pretty no...Gay no...well...maybe

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kaji: Commander Ikari?

Gendo: Yes?

Kaji: I've noticed that you sit at your desk? like you're hiding something.

Geno: I can assure you i have nothing to hide.

Kaji: _Walks away_

Rei:_pops out from under the desk_ Do you think he noticed me?

Gendo Did I say you could stop!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

In the Elevator At NERV

Shinji: You'd make a great mother Rei.

Rei: Why don't you make me a mother. _jumps on top of him_

_door opens_

Nerv employee: sex fiends

OMG SUPER OMAKE TIME!

shinji: you'd make a great mother rei

rei: you embarass me

shinji: my mother makes me horny, fuck me rei!

_they fuck in elevator_

_door opens and gendo walks in_

ikari:what are you doing on my girl you bastard! goddam u boy u can fuck asuka, but keep off my whore-clone!

_beats the shit out of shinji, then fucks rei in elevator_

(hope you enjoyed another Installemtn of A Cruel Random Thesis, im still sorting out the problem of the omake but that will be under control later, cya next installment!)


	6. Chapter 6: More insanity!

And Welcome to another Installment of a Random Thesis, Todays episode!

Chapter 6: downgraded, Greatest Word Ever, Perverted boy, a Terrible Secret, OMFG boondocks!And more!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Shinji: I live with 2 hot women and a penguin, I get to save the world and pilot a gaint robot, I must be the **kuckyest guy** in the world!

Ritsuko Akagi: Can you believe we were still actualy using those MAGI?

Gendo: "Yeah, and they already had Pentium II in America."

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Angels: Man, we so do not get paid enough for this..._Gets pwned by the eva series_

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Unit02/Asuka: Okay...you big bad...mother fucking pussy...take this! O.O Oh my god!

Angel: _rips open Eva and sees Asuka inside_ Oh boy, a toy! _grabs Asuaka and blows up the Eva_ Neato! _runs over to Lilth/Mom_, mom, can I get this PLEASE!

Lilith: No, I told you before Raziel, we are not getting any toys now put that back-

Asuka: O.O _panicky_ OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T WANT TO DIE! LET ME GO! LET ME GO PLEASE!

lilith and ramiel are arguing over asuka's cries for help

Ramiel: But MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Lilith: No 'but mom' me, we just came down here to cause the Third Impact besides it will just break or you will loose it the moment we get home-

Ramiel: I won't mom, I promise, PLEASE?

Lilith: Ramiel, I am not going to argue with you, go on ahead, throw a temper tantrum if you want, but we are not getting this toy and that is final!

Asuka: KAJI! SHINJI! REI! PLEASE HELP ME! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! I'M-----------

_Ramiel drops Asuka and she falls one thousand feet from the air and dies_

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Asuka: You stupid pervert! kisses him

Shinji: hmmmmmm!

Asuka: Perverted boy Pervert! Pervert! Pervert!

Shinji: wait a minute! I thought you were anti-pervert not pro-pervert!

Asuka: Can't you just accept a good thing?

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kaji: Shinji...I am your father!

Shinji:... OHHHHH Thank you God..I'm not Gendo's Son! Thank you dad.

Kaji: And Misato is your Mother

Shinji: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shoots himself

(god i love Darth vader mocks lol)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: Kaji you dont have to cover it up anymore i know your a spy.

Kaji: What! how did you find out.

Shinji: Well it wasnt to hard depending i never really see you doing anything around nerv except trying to get in misato's pants.

Kaji: Well i guess you got me there.

Shinji: so your going totell me all the infromation that i want to know about my father or i am going to blow your cover to everyone.

kaji: So what do you want to know.

Shinji: I want to know what my father really does while he sits behind that desk in central dogma.

kaji: well from the intel i have beenn gathering i can only tell you only one thing.

Shinji: and whats that.

kaji: he's a pimp and theres nothing more to it.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

shinji to misato: misato. i want to fix your sink. But that I mean I want to have se with you. And by that I mean Have my Dick pentrate your vigina in an uncouncious attempt to have offspring. And by that I mean fix your sink

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gendo: all your base are belong to us

(ok that is pure win!)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gendo: My name is a pimp name Slick back

Kanji: Ok slick back

Gendo: No, you got the say the whole name like a tribe call quest

Kanji: Well can I just say slickback

Gendo: No

_Later..._

_Mistao comes home_ Mistao: Hey Shinji and Asuka I brought dinner from this new resturant call the Itis and they have these burgers called the Luther and brought them for us to try.

Shiji and Asuka: ok

Shinji and Asuka to Misato: Wow this are good but I'm very sleepy

_Mistao yawing_: Yeah these are good tommorow I buy one for everybody at headquarters _The next day Mistao bring Luthers for everybody_

Everybody: These are good but were are getting sleepy_ Everybody falls asleep _

_Angels talking to one another_: Yes they feel for our plan just like Granddad said now let's attack!

_in the suberbs..._

Huey: Granddad did you ship your Burgers to japan!

Riley: so what it means more money for us!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Dr. Akari: It looks like Shinji is holding up in there, but the Angel looks to be in pain, what on earth is he doing in there?

_meanwhile, inside the Angel_

Shingi: singing "Stairway to Heaven" off-key There's a feeling I get when I look to the west, And my spirit is crying for leaving...

Leliel: _whimpering_ Stop it! please! I can't take thatFucking song anymore!...moans in pain OKAY, OKAY YOU WIN I WILL CALL OFF THE ANGELS I WILL GIVE YOU A THOUSAND VIRGINS TO PLEASE YOU JUST SHUT UP WITH THATFUCKING SONG!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Asuka: _screams like Hitler_

Kensuke: Oh crap. . . starts praying in Hebrew

EVA-02 steps on Kensuke

Everyone: YAY!

And that's how NERV became known as the Fourth Reich. . .

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OMFG OMAKE!

Kanji: Shinji...I am your father!

Shinji:... OHHHHH Thank you God..I'm not Gendo's Son Thank you dad.

Kaji: And Misato is your Mother

Shinji: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO and I use to...in the shower about her and then one night she came home and I... Shoots himself

(hope you rascals enjoyed this segment of My series, oh...and 2 things, 1. kuckyest according to TheUrgeT0Herbal Kuckyest is described as "best...word...ever!" 2. if you havent watched the boondocks...your a DEE DEE DEE! lol, Next segemnt will involve a parody carry on of the Eva hentai "Human instrumentality" and why the fuck do angels have last names like "of water or of the womb" lol...till then...Tally ho yall!)


	7. Chapter 7: Swingers and EvaLied!

Welcome to yet Another installment of The Cruel Random Thesis collection! here is chapter 7!

Chp7: Swingers, A cross over special (can you guess which anime?)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_Misato walks into gendo and yui's home_

_she asked_ where are we eating tonight?

_Yui said_ "nothing we're going to a movie.

Misato: oh yeah? what kinda movie

Yui: its called the sexy adventure of kagome meets inuyasha

Gendo: you'll see what its rated.

misato; ok

_after the movie misato finds out gendo and yui are swingers and they have hot monkey sex_

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Asuka: Shinji I'm gonna kill you!

_jumps at Shinji_

Rei: Hey guys.

_walks towards Shinji_

Shinji: Oh, look a penny.

_bends over to pick it up_

Asuka: OH sh--!

_headbutts Rei, both lose consiousness_

Shinji: Huh?

_brings them to a hospital_

Doctor: Well it appears that they have both lost their memory.

Shinji: Check out this penny I found.

_Doctor slap shinji_

Doctor: You can see them now.

_shinji walks in the room_

Rei: Chi.

Asuka: Nyu.

Shinji: I'm screwed.

Kaji: wait,...wouldnt that be a good thing?

Shinji: how do you mean?

Kaji: well since there minds are gone...and one says Chi and nyu...you got yourselves some Sexy Anime ripoffers (lol)

Shinji: what do you mean?

Kaji: have you ever seen chobits?

_shini nods_

Kaji: and have you ever watched Elfen lied?

_Shinji Nods_

Shinji: Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh i get it. _smirks_ oh asu...uh Nyu!

Asuka: Nyuu?

shinji: _pats his lap like calling for a house pet_ come here girl...come here!

_asuka crawls to shinji_

Shinji: good girl...wanna reward?

Asuka: Nyuu!

Shinji: good...il be right back! _rushes to closet with Asuka and locks door_

Kaji: wow...!

_blood seeps from the clost door_

Kaji: looks like she became lucy.

_meanwhile_

Gendo: how do I turn this girl on?

Fuyutski: there is a switch on her snatch

Gendo: oh...Alright

_meanwhile_

Kaji: Shinji Your alive.

Shinji: yeah but pen2. isn't wow vectors rule! i've never felt this good.

Asuka/lucy: ohhh shinji _grabs his arm and makes him rub her boobs_ I want to feel accepted! I want to feel alive!

Shinji: prepare then cause I'm about to get started! _starts_

Kaji: luckily I have these x-ray specks... d-word that's going in my playbook

Asuka/nyuu: NYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Shinji: it's like a threesome but less nagging afterwards.

_meanwhile_

Rei/Chii: Gendo hentai!

Gendo: _nosebleed and collapses_

Fuyutski: with gendo knocked out from his major nosebleed I have Re/chii all to myself!

Rei/chii: stop! you are not the one who is only for me.

Fuyutski: fine I'll get one of the other clones

_meanwhile  
_

Shinji:_ panting_ wow that was awesome

Asuka: yeah you were wonderful Shinji _starts smoking_

Shinji: wait aren't you just supposed to say "Nyuu" or be physcotic?

Asuka/lucy: well you see I have three people in one body and each one can be present at any given time.

Shinji: so I had a fourgy fecking sweet!

Asuka/lucy: you also just doomed mankind to extiction within the end of this century.

Shinji: will I get laid more?

Asuka/Nyuu: nyuu, yes.

Shinji: Sweet!

(And there you go! my first cross over with Elfenlied my 2nd fav anime lol! Stay tuned for more wackyness! and give me more reviews!)


	8. Chapter 8: Asukas Experiment with shinji

(you guys need to join the AS boards immediatly...these guys are freaking genious's. Praise GARHUNT05 For this!)

Chapter 8: Asukas Experiment with Shinji.

Asuka: stop breathing it tickles me  
Shinji: oh trust me if I breath in the right places tickling is a VERY good thing.

Asuka: Oh, and what places might those be?

Shinji: ...I don't know.

Asuka: Too bad.

Shinji: That's just what Kaji told me.

Asuka: Well, if HE told you that, there may be hope for you after all...

Shinji: I think I told me where, but I wasn't really paying attention.

Asuka: ...but there probably isn't.

Shinji: Weren't we about to do something?

Asuka: Yah, but I'm suddenly not in the mood.

Shinji: Oh, why not? Aren't you still bored?

Asuka: I've thought on it a bit, and I think this would be a bad idea.

Shinji: Good. Truth be told, I just accepted your challenge so you wouldn't think me a chicken. I am tired of you bothering me about stuff.

Asuka: So, you don't like me?

Shinji: No, I'm not really that into you.

Asuka: And why not? Aren't I pretty!

Shinji: You are majorly hot, there is no questioning that. You just aren't the one for me, you know?

Asuka: I would hope not. You are such a freaking looser...but you aren't thinking of the First, are you?

Shinji: Nope.

Asuka: Who then? Hikari? I just want you to know you have no chance. She's Toji's girl, or at least she wants to be.

Shinji: No...and when did this happen?

Asuka: ...well, it hasn't happened yet...

Shinji: Good.

Asuka: You should just forget I said anything.

Shinji: That's inevitable.

Asuka: So who is it, hmm? Misato? Akagi? Oh, do you have a thing for older women! Scandalous!

Shinji: No, it isn't that...I'm not into women...

Asuka: You are into little girls! You pedophile! I know why you like that Azumanga Daioh show so much now! Pervert! I can't believe I

know someone like you! And I was about to kiss you, too!

Shinji: NO! It isn't anything like that!

Asuka: Then what is it?

Shinji: ...Well...

Asuka: You aren't...funny...are you?

Shinji: ...No...at least, I don't think so...

Asuka: Hmm...

Shinji: I just don't know, OK?

Asuka: I hate mysteries! I am going to have to find out now...I know! I know how we can solve this mystery!

Shinji: How? You might think the basis of my misery was my problems with my father, but it really was...this issue. You think I haven't

been trying to figure it out for a long time now?

Asuka: Just follow me to my room...and bring some of Misato's beer...

Shinji: fine _about to get the beer_

Pen2: WARNING MINORS ARE ABOUT TO DRINK BEER PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE BEER!

Shinji: what are you going to do

Pen2: _takes out Desert Eagle .50_ what you think b!tch.

Asuka: ahh theres little pen2 aww he's so cute with his guntickles him

Pen2 no I was about to... stop stop, it tickles XD

Asuka: (wispering) grab the beer I'll meet you in my room

Shinji: oh ok

_later_

Shinji: OK, I am in your room, with beer. Now what?

Asuka: We are going to determine whether you are...funny...or not.

Shinji: Duh. Even I know that. But what exactaly are we going to do?

Asuka: If you wait just a minute, I will tell you!

Shinji: Fine.

Asuka: First, you are going to drink all those beers.

Shinji: What about you?

Asuka: I have to be perfectly cogent to be able to determine the results. Man, you're such an idiot.

Shinji: Oh...wait, I think I know where this is going...and I really like what I am thinking

Asuka: Wha...oh, no! None of that! Though I think we can tell you are strait now...

Shinji: Not really. I just can't get no satisfaction...

Asuka: ...

Shinji: Sorry. Lame.

Asuka: Totally.

Shinji: But it's true, though. I would go for anything at this point...been thinking earlier that I may take advantage of Misato's condition she is sure to be in when she gets back tonight...

Asuka: SHINJI!

Shinji: Yah...pretty pathetic...besides, I would hate to have Kaji's-

Asuka: Don't impign on Kaji's character like that!

Shinji: Sorry.

Asuka: Have you ever thought of, you know, "self love"?

Shinji: Yah, but it doesn't give me as much pleasure as it seems to give you...

Asuka:

Shinji: Not that I know, or anything...thin walls, I guess...

Asuka: Fine. I'll disregard your last statement...

Shinji: Thanks.

Asuka: Well, anyways, you are going to drink the beer. It should just be enough to get you drunk enough to let your true feelings out, but not so drunk that any and all inhibitions go away.

Shinji: That's pretty smart.

Asuka: Of course it is: I thought of it. Now, I have also informed Hikari of the situation-

Shinji: Urgh...did you have to?

Asuka: Yes. She has the access to the...experimental materials...and she wouldn't let me use them without knowing what, exactly, they were going to be used for. Besides, she won't tell anyone - she didn't become class president by blabbing about everyone's secrets.

Shinji: True enough. She never told anyone what I said about that one time...never mind. Anyhow, continue.

Asuka: So, Hikari's going to be coming over pretty soon - and she will be bringing Toji, too.

Shinji: Oh no! Toji can't stop blabbing if his life depended on it!

Asuka: Well, Hikari and I know about his access to...other stuff...and we need him. He'll keep quiet, trust me.

Shinji: ...All right.

Asuka: ...So, drink up!

Shinji: Aren't you going to tell me the rest of the plan?

Asuka: No - it would bias the results.

Shinji: OK...man, this stuff is aweful!

Asuka: I know it can't compare to the real stuff - from Germany - but it's all we got. Isn't it worth it to resolve the source of your emoness?

Shinji: You're right, as always.

Asuka: Of course. Now drink!

Shinji: How will I know when to stop?

Asuka: You won't. I will. Just trust me, all right?

Shinji: OK, I will.

Hikari: Hi, Asuka! I came as fast as I could!

Asuka: Thanks! I see that you brought the second stooge with you. Very good.

Toji: Why did you contact me so late? Couldn't this have waited 'till tomorrow?

Asuka: No. Misato's out tonight, and she'll be home all day tomorrow with a hangover. Wouldn't be able to do this then.

Toji: That's too bad...

Hikari: Stop your daydreaming, and get to work!

Toji: ...Allright...but what exactly am I going to be doing?

Asuka: Did you tell him about the situation?

Hikari: I told him what was neccessary for him to know at the time...I thought it would be too embarasing to Shinji if I told Toji too much.

Asuka: Your concern knows no bounds...really, that wasn't neccessary. Anyways, I don't want to have to explain it all again, so we'll just go with it.

Toji: Does it have something to do with...these things I brought?

Asuka: Maybe, if you did it right. Let me see them.

Toji: Hey! You're not supposed to know about those!

Asuka: I already do. Who do you think told Hikari to have you bring them, instead of just taking them herself?

Toji: OK...you better have a good reason, though. And I want them back...

Asuka: It is of the utmost importance to our drunk friend over there.

Toji: Drunk...Shinji!

Hikari: Was that really neccessary!

Asuka: Absolutely. Now, I want you to switch packages.

Toji: NO WAY!

Hikari: WHY!

Asuka: It is important. Trust me.

Toji: Fine...

Hikari: I'm trusting you...

Asuka: All right, now we can begin...SHINJI! Come here!

Shinji: What? Oh, hi you peoples!

Asuka: Now, Toji, Hikari, I want you both to undress to your underwear.

Toji: HELL NO! Not in front of you girls!

Hikari: This is totally inappropriate!

Asuka: Neither of you has anything to be embarassed about. Toji, you won't be showing me anything I haven't seen already, and Hikari,

Shinji won't likely remember in the morning - you two kind of distracted me, and I stopped his drinking a little late...and the two of you won't be saying anything to anybody, now will you? Besides, this is important.

Toji: Nope...

Hikari: No...

Asuka: Fine...now do it, starting with Hikari...now Toji...

Shinji: Hey Asuka, what you writin' there?

Asuka: I am taking notes on your reactions. Now watch Toji get undressed!

Shinji: OK...

Asuka: Good. Now, I want each of you to present the packages you have to Shinji.

Toji: WOAH! That's A LOT of yaoi, Hikari. More than all my porn collection put together...and you have more than that!

Hikari: Uh...

Asuka: Irrelevant! I always wanted to say that... Just do it, Toji.

Toji: Fine.

Asuka: Now Shinji, I want you to go through ALL of this, alternating between Toji's and Hikari's piles, and be honest with your reactions.

Shinji: What if I need to...you know..."wag the dog"?

Toji: Yah, me too...

Hikari: Me three...

Asuka: Ugh...well, the bathroom's right there, boys. And Hikari, control yourself!

Hikari: This is going to be a long night...

Asuka: All you have to do is sit there in your underwear and help Shinji look at porn! I have to watch you perverts and take notes! I'm the one who's going to be having the long night...

Toji: Well, it's all for Shinji's sake. Gotta help a friend in need...even if it involves gay porn...I never would have thought the class president...

Hikari: It's for Shinji's sake...

Asuka: All right then. We will go until Misato comes home. She's out drinking, so it will be a few hours yet. She'll likely be passed out

drunk, and Dr. Akagi will be carrying her in. She won't say anything, though. Just act casual. Now, let's begin...  
---------------------------

Asuka: All right, we seem to be almost done. Misato'll be home any time now. Remember, act casual with Dr. Akagi-

Kaji: Hi kids! We're home!

Asuka: KAJI! CRAP!

Pen2: don't worry I'll handle this

Asuka: no don't shoot him

Pen2 he doesn't know I can talk so me talking will cause him to be knocked out fron shock.

_meanwhile_

Kaji: hmm misato looks like the kids are gone

Misato:but there shoes are still here

Kaji: well they might have gon to the store ore something all the slippers are missing

Misato: well ok then lets head to Asuka's room hers is always the cleanest

Asuka: Crap go pen2

_pen2 rushes out_

pen2: right now the kids are having a sleepover in Asuka's room and they were soo tired they are sleeping now so if you MUST do the nasty please be quiet

Kaji:you can talk wow Misato you do have strange roommates indeed.

Misato: but we have to be adventurous

Pen2 do it on the table then but like I said be very quiet.

Kaji: nah it is late as you said and I do not want to warp the kids minds so good night katsuragi

Misato:wait can I go over to your place

Kaji: if we go to my place we'll be there for a whole week and neither of us can do that with the frequent angel attacks and the fact you have kids now

Misato:well how about just the night I'm sure pen2 can watch over them until then

Pen2: can do

Misato: then let me say goodbye to them

Pen2 I think it would be best not to disturb them right now

Kaji: the penguin is right lets not and get on with the lovin' you know the more we talk here the less you'll get there.

_they leave_

Asuka: good save

Pen2: that'll be one of the STRAIGHT mags please

Toji: here have my dad's perfect 10

Pen2: thank you.

Asuka: now on with the Experiment...where's shinji

Shinji_: on balcany_ wow hikari I never noticed how good you look in the moon light

hikari: Shinji that's a Chair

Toji: so it's settled Shinji love inanimate objects!

Asuka: Project completed!

(Phew! GARHUNT05 is a master! praise thy garhunt. Next up will be a Doujinshi parody heh. See yall later!


	9. Chapter 9: That Doujinshi Parody!

You want more sexyness? then il give it to you! Thank Garhunt and TheRoyalFamily for this!

Chapter 9: That Dojinshi parody!

Asuka: Misato's gone out so I'll do what ever I want

Shinji: what ever

Asuka: I'll drink till my hearts content

Shinji: but what about the after affects

Asuka: screw that! _drinks_

l_ater_

Asuka: ahhh my head... why am I naked..._looks left_ I slept with shinji! _looks  
right_ AND MY TEACHER AND FUYUTSKI? AHHHHHHHHH!

Misato/Maya: Welcome to "Who did Asuka sleep with last night!" The new hit game show!

Asuka: this is exploitation!

Misato: quiet you!

Maya: now lets meet the canidates

_shinji, teacher, and fuyutski stand up in robes_

Misato: one of these gentlemen-

Asuka: they weren't gentle!

Misato: as I was saying one of these fine gentlemen has screwed Asuka royal and it is  
up to our three groups of judges to figure it out!

Maya: here they are! the judges

Misato: the Three groups are classmates with hikari, toji, and kensuke

Kenske: hey Asuka I'm gettin this all on tape.

Asuka:...

Maya: the Nerv subordinate group with Kaji, Huyga and Aoba and finally the Selee Group  
with Gendo ,Keel and parrot-nose guy

Parrot nose: hey

Maya: hey you were not important in the storyline so

Parrot nose: neither were you!

Gendo: Irrelavent!

Misato: so lets get on with the Show!

Asuka: why do I have to be handcuffed!

Misato: because not dojinshi is complete wiuthout someform of bondage!

Asuka: do I have to be in my underwear!

Maya: well if you weren't there wouldn't be any fanservice if you were fully clothed  
silly

Maya/Misato: lets get on with the show!

Misato: first Question Who does Asuka secretly like

_everyone slams on the buzzer_

Maya: I think it was the classmate group, go ahead

Kenske/toji: it is shinji! he doesn't have the balls to take a girl when she is awake.

Kenske: he even jerks it when she is sleeping.

Asuka: is this true

Shinji: well this one time you blouse "accidently" came undone and I couldn't help  
myself.

Misato: correct the student group has the floor

Maya: you have one minute to determing how to prove your answer

_kenske/toji/hikari start having an argument_

kenske/toji: Do you remember Shinji banging you?

Gendo: that is a stupid question that is like Asking if misato is a slut

Selee:hey do you think we got a chance

Misato: how dare you question my character

Maya: major control yourself.

Toji: how did it feel?

Hikari: was it painful or pleasurable!

Kenske: give us every little detail!

Asuka: I'm telling you I bareley remember what happend last night!

Toji: may be THIS will jog your memory _steps out of his booth and pulls down pants_

Hikari: ohhh looks nice

Asuka: AHHHH!

Maya: _barfs_

Misato: we're sorry about that folks and because of your transgressions student group  
you are disqualified as judges!

Asuka: why me why does it have to be me in all these dojinshis...

Gendo: irrelavent it is my time to guess _gets out of booth_

Maya: huh?

Gendo: it went down like _does Furi kuri with his hands_ thedick was about this  
big and he only lasted for about 2 minutes

Kaji: well that rules me out since I only go for three hours or more

Maya: your one of the judges you're automatically ruled out

Kaji: just wanted to advertise

Fuyutski: based on Gendo's description that would be me.

Gendo: yes that is what I was getting at

Fuyutski: thanks man

Gendo: no prob

Misato: we all know Fuyutski could'n last one minute.

Fuyutski:...

Maya: ouch! that is sad I always wonderd why the female teachers were alway unsatisfied  
after his "meetings"?

Gendo: _claps_ you are correct the only one who like them was Misato.

Misato: ok anyway... hey I would never do such a thing

Maya: back to the scenario

Asuka: this is soo stupid I'm not even the star anymore!

Huyga: I hear something the ext booth over!

Maya: re-open the booth!

_hikari and toji are doing it with kenske taping the action_

Kaji: now this I like!

Everyone else: _watches for a couple minutes_

toji: whoo this is fun...wait wait AHHH!

_doors open above them_

Toji: what do you think Hikari?maybe we should do this again sometime.

kenske: this is going in my private stash

Misato: BOOTH LAUNCH!

_booth laonches out of the room_

Huyga: wow this is zainy

Aoba: well at least we got to see some action

Kaji: I could have done better IMO

Aoba: what do you mean by that

Kaji: Misato and I did way better stuff than that

Huyga: could you tell me

Misato: with that disturbance gone and a male coworkerembarassing me...again we should...

Maya: get back to guessing.

Kaji: well tho only one not questioned is the teacher, so what do you have to tell us?

Teacher: I like the girls in my class and I find Asuka especially hot. however in order  
for me to get it up I need three viagra pills...oh and I have warts as well

Asuka: _faints_

Misato: looks like that was TMI for Auska and the rest of us...

Maya: this guy shouldn't even be here! he had only a few lines in the entire show. and  
he could never have done this with his sever ED.

Misato: so judges based on the questions aske who do you think is not the one Asuka  
slept with!

_Kaji's booth says teacher_

_gendo's booth says Fuyutski_

Asuka: wait not slept with _whew_ that is a relief

Maya/Misato: that means the one Asuka slept with was shinji and thus he get the grand  
prize

Asuka: what is it sleeping with me again

misato/maya: no Watching the other guys do you because the haven't gotten any!

Asuka: _falls to floor in shock_

Misato: looks like we're going to have to revive her.

Asuka: wha?

Fuyutski: you know instead of felatio how about she rides us I have a very bad back  
and cannot stand for extended priods of time.

Teacher: me niether

Misato: Ok Asuka which one do you want first

Asuka: can I pick niether?

Misato: sure but then you must do everything with shinji

_shinji appears ready and willing_

Asuka: but I don't know how to um "felate"

Misato: oh that's easy watch me _felates shinji_

Asuka: ok!

Misato: here you try

Asuka: here I go... _attempts and does good_

Misato: see it is easy but now is time to do "the rest"

Asuka: no way!

Misato: you've done it before

Asuka: but I was drunk and practically comatose

Maya: well we all know That is shinji's preference...

Misato: you have to here I'll get you warmed up _warms her up _Alright shinji go for it  
head first she's all yours

Shinji: _goes for it_

Misato: good, now put it in

_Asuka/Shinji have hot sex in which Asuka falls asleep afterwards_

Asuka: _waking up_ so it was all a dream whew

Misato/Maya: or was it tune in to our new show!

(is it TBC? i dont know! oh and for the pervs, Use your imagination cause i aint describin it!)


	10. Chapter 10: A bonus shortie!

(OMG YOU GET A BONUS SHORTIE!)

Chapter 10: After Ep 16...

Shinji: after all combat's a man's job.

Asuka: what happend to ladies first?

shinji: hey I'm a man now I don't need to follow some woman's rules...

Asuka: I can't beleive I kissed you..

Rei: you did! did he put his tounge inside?

Asuka: He put his tounge inside but not in my mouth _Winks _

Everyone at NERV: _wide eyes and open mouths_

Kaji: Shinji is like a young me...

Rei: wow! all I get from ikari are bad gropes...

Misato: well that means Asuka will get some for a week...

Huyga: what about the angel?

Gendo: its not doing anything so we can argue for now

Misato: aren't you supposed to be gone right now?

Gendo: I sent fuyutski to the meeting instead.I just didn't want to talk to my son so I was staying in my office.

Shinji: I see the angel. It looks like M.C. Escher painted a beach ball!

Asuka: _runs up to it_ My serve!

Shinji: no Fair!

Rei: I will be on Ikari-kun's team.

Misato: PARTAAY!

Gendo: Activate order PrT-Xtrme!

Fuyustki: hellz yah

(lol enjoy the shortie!)


	11. Chapter 11: Who she yellin at!

Im back bitches! lol Heres a fresh installment!

Chapter 11: who's she yellin at? OMG Redvs.Blue crossover! and some thing...

Shinji: Asuka?

Asuka: What are you whining about now!

Shinji: Yo' mama.

Asuka: How dare you!

Shinji: Pffft.

Asuka: Your lack of emotion has woed(sp?) me. Tun Sie mich hier auf dem Fußboden! (check it on babel fish)

Shinji: Sorry, im not into dogs.

Asuka: BAKA-SHINJI!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Shinji: i'm just a poor boy! I need no sympathy! Anywhere the wind blows, dosn't really matter to me... to-o me.

Gendo: Your singing sucks.

Shinji: Mama... just killed a man...

Gendo: She did no such thing. (pulls out a gun and shoots at Shinji)

Rei: Oh my God! You killed Ikari-kun!

Asuka&Mana: You bastard!

Shinji: My name... is Neo.

Gendo: Shinji... I AM your father!

Shinji: NOOOO! Wait, yeah thats right.

Gendo&Fuyutski: Shut yo' bleeping face uncle fucka! Your astupid fucking facebiting uncle fucka!

Yui: Gendo, Fuyutski-sensei, this isnt southpark you retards...

Naoko Akagi: Blame Canada!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hikari: Why won't you make love to me!

All: Asuka: I don't think this is the time for this.

Hikari: Oh, and why not?

Asuka: Hey, aren't you normally the tactful one?

Hikari: Well, I haven't gotten any, and I'm ready as hell!

Kensuke: I'm available.

Hikari: Sorry. I would normally say something to make the denial feel better, but I'm not in the

mood.

Shinji: Now, wait a minute! Who were you just talking to? Asuka: A bit slow on the uptake.

Kaworu: No, Shinji's right. Hikari just stormed in here and shouted at no one in particular.

Asuka: Oh.

Kaworu: I do have a theory though.

Asuka: Really.

Hikari: The person I am talking to knows who they are! I really, REALLY feel like saying just who

it is, but it would bring me more discomfort than them once I calm down.

Kaworu: Oh, we all know already (well, maybe not Shinji)

Asuka: I sure do. I always have.

Kensuke: I've figured it out.

Toji: You do? Because I don't.

Kaworu: Oh, get off it. What the hell is your problem?

Toji: Huh?

Kaworu: Aren't you a man!

Toji: What?

Kaworu: Here is a girl, offering herself to YOU, and you have yet to take her in a manly fashion!

Toji: Now wait! When did this happen? Because if it had, you know I would hit that in a second!

Kensuke: You sure are the type to do it.

Kaworu: Oh, we know all about the lunches she makes for you.

Toji: You do!

Shinji: Yup. Toji: Oh, man.

Hikari: Hehe.

Kaworu: I don't like the sound of that.

Hikari: You are so totally off base.

Shinji: And just what do you mean by that?

Hikari: I was only making him lunches. I felt sorry for him, always having to buy the school lunches, when he is such a hungry, food-appreciating guy.

Toji: That's true. I do appreciate a fine meal.

Kaworu: Point. However, how do you explain the VERY happy look you get on your face when you watch him eat said lunches?

Hikari: That's easy. It makes me estatic to see someone that truly appreciates my cooking - unlike someone ELSE I know.

Asuka: Oh, you know I don't like Japanese food!

Toji: What? You don't?

Asuka: Of course not. Not near enough meat.

Kaworu: ...Oh man. How could I, of all people, not see this?

Asuka: Yah, I would have figured you would have known a long time ago.

Hikari: You really dissapoint me, Kaworu.

Kaworu: You're not the only one dissapointed in my abilities, Hikari.

Kensuke: OK, what just happened?

Toji: Totally confused here.

Shinji: I'm lost too.

Kaworu: Hikari was yelling at-

Kensuke: Who?

Kaworu: If you would have waited half a second you would know by now!

Shinji: So.

Kaworu: Hikari was yelling at.

Toji: ...at?

Kaworu: ... If you guys haven't figured it out yet.

Shinji: No.

Asuka: Stooges! It was me!

Toji: No way!

Shinji: Huh?

Kensuke: ...Impossible!

Hikari: Oh really? Just who else could I have been talking to?

Kensuke: Point.

Asuka: Just why do you think I was always at Hikari's house?

Shinji: Why would we know? You're girls! You're impossible to understand!

Kensuke: Besides, I would have known. You two were the very example of clean. Not even a sexy pillowfight.

Asuka: Of course we didn't do anything like that near any windows.

Hikari: We couldn't make out anywhere where it could get on the internet. We know you stalk Asuka with your camera.

Asuka: While it is sorta flattering to have my own paparazi, it does make...things...difficult.

Shinji: How could you be...that way, Asuka? You have had me, since like, forever!

Asuka: If I wouldn't get near ANY of my myriad of fanboys at this school (and even the high school), why would you have a chance? All those times, you were just a friend. Platonic, totally.

Shinji: You made out with me that one time.

Hikari: You WHAT!

Asuka: What? I was bored - I told you that. Besides, I was curious...all my experience is with Hikari.

Hikari: I knew you liked sausage, Asuka. Didn't think you liked it THAT much.

Asuka: Give me a break! I already explained myself. There was no emotion behind it.

Kensuke: ...but even considering all that, I never caught you. Only sleeping, reading, and video games! Totally clothed! Hikari's pajamas are especially modest.

Hikari: That's because nothing's happened yet! Weren't you paying attention at the very beginning?

Kensuke: But...the video games.

Hikari: That's all she does - play my video games. She says she 'isn't in the mood,' or 'tired,' or 'has a headache,' or something like that.

Asuka: Besides, removing the clothes is half the fun.

Hikari: That's the theory, anyways. Not that we would know, now would we? Unless you and Shinji have found out.

Shinji: I wish.

Asuka: Oh, will you forget about that already? I already have! It was JUST a kiss!

Hikari: And JUST KISSING is all we have done!

Asuka: We've done more.

Hikari: Not enough more. Not NEAR enough!

Toji: Is this just not as hot as we hoped it would be?

Kensuke: Totally. Totally lame, that is.

Toji: Who knew that girls' relationships would be...relationships.

Shinji: Porn really lied to us...

_Later_

Asuka: Well I am glad somebody took heed of my plea to pair me with hikari

Shinji:what about the "holy deciples of thye Shinji/asuka Pairing"

Asuka: not they are the "lovers of yuri with Asuka and Hikari/Misato"

Shinji: great now I have to suffer through all that yaoi with me and Kaworu.

Rei: sucks to be you

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The following message is true it was an actual message I left on my mothers voicemail

(Quote Fromk Garhunt01)

Shinji: Misato help me! there are some strange guys here and I'm scared!

Nerv Agent: we are from the anti-virgin society and we have brought this hot girl to lay you so can stop b!tching about it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

caboose: my father always said why by the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Shinji: WTF?did you just call auska a cow?

Hikari: no i think he called her a who.r.e...

Church: danmit caboose, what did i tell you about that?first you call my Girlfriend(who is a merc that can rip your spine out) a who.r.e, now your calling a emptional unstable girl with a giant robot capable of destroying the world a who.r.e...WTF man?

ROFL! Way to go once again Garhunt! oh...and if you havent Watched RedVs.Blue...SHAME ON YOU! >:( oh...and shinjis is right about one thing...porn does lie...:(


	12. Chapter 12: Bitch you get a bonus!

Bonus chapter 12: Skeet Skeet Skeet!

asuka: time to die rei!

shinji: noooo! not my fuck buddy!

rei: irrelevant.(calls her clones)

all of the rei: idiotBitch girl. you cannot kill us all.

shinji: let's have a 25,000,002some!

asuka: alright.

rei: okay...

clones(all at once): yes master!

shinji: now all of you take your fucking clothes off! (gets in eva unit 1 and gets out a hugegantic whip)

(simultaneous clothe ripping sounds)

shinji: giggity giggity giggity!

asuka: i do belive my tiznits are hard..

rei: let me soften them with my saliva... (licks)

shinji: oh god!

asuka: oh, your female parts look cold, let me rub them (rubs them)

shinji: oh GOD!

rei clones: (start having lezbian secks)

shinji: OH GOD! (skeet skeets inside the eva)

...i watch too much jerry Springer and boondocks...LOL!


	13. Chapter 13: That Shinji Collection!

Im back again! LOL!10ne. heres a newer installment, A shinji Special!

Chapter 13: Shinji collection!

Shinji: (Looking at the mirror,talking to himself) hey Rukia your looking nice. Umm Hey Orhime would you like to get something to eat. Umm You know Yoruichi I've always loved cats

Asuka: Baka what are you doing?

Shinji: Well with BLEACH coming to AS and with the frequncy of crossovers here I want to be prepared when some of those hotties come over here.

Asuka: BAKA HOW DARE YOU FLIRT WITH WOMEN WHO ARE NOT ON OUR SHOW!

Shinji: You girls arn't biteing and I need some loving.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Asuka:It's not like you have anyone else do you

Misato: Rei

Rei: yes ma'am

Misato: smack Asuka

Rei: Yes ma'am smacks Asuka

Asuka: ow Smacks Rei

Rei: should I continue misato

Misato: go ahead

Rei: very well gets punche in the face

Asuka: never take your eys off your opponent!

cat fight ensues

Shinji: what is the purpose of this?

Misato: we have guests over and I wanted to entertain them.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: cookin is so fun, cooking is so fun, now its time to take a break and see what we have done!

Asuka: Have you been watching Azumanga daioh

Shinji: I have a thing for highschool girls so I can't help it!

Rei: So you are into older women then?

Shinji: I suppose.

Asuka: Do you think that makes you superior?

Shinji: Why? Because you like middle school girls?

Asuka: And what's so great about high school girls?

Shinji: Did you see Yumi and Sakaki?

Asuka: They were freakishly large!

Shinji: How so?

Rei: Japanese women are not nearly that big. It is totally unrealistic, especially since Sakaki is the most obviously Japanese one of the bunch.

Shinji: Yumi could be passed off as American or something.

Asuka: She sure looks like it.

Rei: How would you know, Asuka?

Asuka: My dad is American.

Rei: I didn't realize...

Asuka: Of course you didn't. You have never seen him.

Shinji: Don't you care, Rei?

Rei: Oh, don't even think about painting ME as the bad guy here. It was you being into high school girls that started this.

Shinji: Well...uh...at the beginning, they were just out of middle school...and apparently they were suprised by Sakaki's assets...so, uh...and you guys aren't exactly slouches in that department yourselves...and besides, you're the ones into middle school girls!

Asuka: What does that have to do with anything!

Rei: I never said I was...

Shinji: How can you stand in such high moral authority when you are pedophiles?

Rei: ...

Asuka: ...

Shinji: Don't have a snappy comback to that, do you?

Rei: That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Asuka: We ARE in middle school! We ARE children!

Shinji: So?

Asuka: ...

Rei: Hopeless.

Shinji: Is that so?

Rei: Besides, you know full well that we are already more well-endowed than most girls you will graduate with.

Asuka: Yah, you should count yourself lucky to know us so...intimately.

Rei: Especially me...

Shinji: Oh, there is no denying that.

Asuka: I know Hikari likes mine

Shinji: She has good taste.

Rei: ...This is weird.

Asuka: What?

Rei: Shinji, how could you go along with this so well? Don't you find it strange?

Shinji: I do. But it is way more hot than anything else, so I roll with it!

Asuka: What is so strange about it? We loved each other (in a more platonic sense, true), and when we saw that men weren't all that great - in fact, far from being hot like Hikari's sisters said it would be, Kaworu's...anatomical literature selection...was in fact rather disturbing - we decided to look in a different direction.

Shinji: Kaworu's stuff is pretty freaking weird...

Rei: How did you get Kaworu's stash? It's quite legendary among the older girls.

Asuka: I told you, Hikari's sisters had some of it (and it surpasses even the legend, trust me).

Shinji: Why did they have it?

Asuka: Apparently they and Kaworu have some sort of prior relationship for some reason, so he lets them borrow it.

Rei: How convienient.

Shinji: Indeed.

Asuka: However, Shinji's is WAY better.

Shinji: You know about it!

Asuka: It was quite...educational.

Shinji: I thought I hid it so well!

Asuka: Please. Didn't even have to look.

Shinji: On the one hand, it is very disturbing to know that both my friends and the class president know about it.

Rei: ...And on the other?

Shinji: There has to be another?

Asuka: DUH!

Shinji: Oh...uh...OH! On the other, it is very hot!

Rei: I see. WIll you two now...pleasure yourselves...together...to that...smut?

Shinji: Hmmm...sounds like a good idea.

Asuka: Or not. I don't want to see that. THAT'S the whole point!

Shinji: Oh...

Asuka: Besides...who needs pictures when I can have the real thing?

Rei: ...what do you mean?

Asuka: Let's just say the school showers and public baths are VERY nice...

Rei: That does explain your odd behaviour when we shower...OH MAN! Are you...doing that stuff...while we shower!

Asuka: You know full well I don't. You would have noticed it before.

Rei: I suppose I would...I do take some comfort in that you don't think of me that way...

Asuka: Who says I don't

Rei: ...Uhgg. It was bad enough that I knew Shinji gets off to me; now you too?

Shinji: You knew about that?

Rei: It is obvious to everyone with two eyes to have depth perception...

Shinji: You were NAKED! I was touching your BOOB! Anybody would be like that!

Rei: You tripped.

Shinji: That doesn't change the facts!

Asuka: When was this!

Rei: When I first moved in, Shinji came into my house when I was in the shower. I came out quite indecent - I wasn't expecting any company, and it was my house! - and then he gets all light-headed and trips onto me.

Asuka: I am jealous!

Shinji: It wasn't much of anything...

Asuka: I guess I will have to go to Rei's house more often if she walks around without clothes...

Rei: I may just change that...though I don't see why I should have to...it's my house, and there aren't even any windows. But I DO dress up for company - you know it.

Asuka: Yes, you did dress up - rather nicely, too, just for me...

Rei: Oh, why do you twist everything like that?

Asuka: It's hotter that way...

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

toji: ah look its Shinji the pimp

Shinji: me a pimp no way

Kenske but you do live with two fine females

Shinji: listne if I were a pimp I wouldn't be working for NERV

toji: what would you be doin'

Shinji: I'd be out on the street making sure my ho's be doing what they're supposed to be doin'.

Kenske: with a smirk and what is that?

Shinji: bring me the G's

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: "I was wondering,asuka...since i've saved alot of people lately and all and proven myself to pilot Eva...would you kinda..ya know...have sex with me?"

Asuka: "Oh Shinji you know i only have sex with men who are bigger then 5 year olds."

Toji: OH SNAP BUUUUUUUURNN!

Shinji: _blinks_

Rei: She was making fun of the small size of your pen_i_s.

Shinji: Yes, I gathered that. sigh

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: Welcome, to 60 raunchy, 50 stupid theater. Today i will tell a story backwards. This is what I said: Shut your fvcking face Gendo fvcker! and this is the chaos that ensued...

Gendo: I am the coolest motha' fucka ever!

Yui: Oh yes, you are!

Naoko: uh-huh

Ritsuko: Indeed

Rei: yup...

Shinji: Hellz no!

Naoto: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!

Shinji: (in song, you know which one) Shut your fucking face Gendo fucker!

Yui: Im the only one fucking Gendo!

Ristuko: No, im fucking Gendo!

Rei: heh-heh

Shinji:Cat fight!

Gendo: Gigidy!  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

shinji:hey everyone! wanna have a threesome?

rei and asuka: sure why not? yeah, sound's good...

shinji: really? you're not gonna humilliate my manhood and make stupid comments about my penus?

rei: i've never seen it.

asuka: i seen it. it's huge. i just make him think it's small so his head gets even more fucked up.

rei: oh. that makes sence.

shinji: aww hell naw biznich! you deserve to be punishd!

rei: oh shiznit! biznichfight!

gendo: oh, finally! i haven't seen one of those in a while. who's fighting?

rei: your gizzay azz sun of yurz against the strangely manly asuka.

gendo:my money's on asuka

all of nerv: yup. yeah. he's right.

misato: peanuts! get your peanuts! eat peanuts as you see the most one-sided fight yo've evr seen!

_later..._

asuka: i'm gonna rip your ballz off!

shinji: oh yeah? well...well...i'm gonna rip YOUR ballz off!

everyone: BUUURN!

rei: oh snap!

gendo(in a black girl voice): oh no he din't!

asuka: shinji! how could you be so mean? (kneels down and cries)

shinji: that's what you get Bitch!

rei: what the heck? asuka get up! i got money on you! get in the game!

gendo: holy crap, this is more exiting than looking at rei naked!

rei: i'm sorry, what did you say gendo? (slaps the living daylights out of gendo)

_meanwhile shinji helps asuka back up and they kiss and stuff and start bangin'_

shinji:dang asuka! i didn't know you were this good!

asuka: shut up and kiss me!

rei: aww, now i want some of that

gendo: (gets out camera)

all of nerv: (incoherent rants, catcalls and yells)

misato: dang! for a pair of virgins they sure do know how to freak!

crickets: (make cricket noises)

gendo: they are not virgins

all of nerv: uh, duh!

rei: well at least not me and shinji, we get it on all the time.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: Have any of you seen that Tiny Toons movie?

Rei: No...and I have no idea of what you are talking about.

Shinji: You're no good anyways. You don't watch TV.

Rei: That's true.

Hikari: I haven't heard of it either.

Shinji: Does that make me the greatest?

Rei: Why?...

Shinji: Because I have experienced something none of you have.

Hikari: Um...OK...

Asuka: You've also the only one here to have experienced a swift kick to the bleep, delivered by me. Does that make you mighty?

Shinji: Um...

Hikari: Actually...

Asuka: Huh?

Hikari: One time, in your sleep, you kicked me rather hard in an area that I am pretty sure my ovaries are. Ovaries are a girls' gonads, right?

Asuka: Technically. Let me rephrase my statement: Shinji's the only one to have experienced a swift kick to the ROCKS, delivered by me.

Rei: Ah. I think that makes him the opposite of mighty, especially since he cried like a small child when you did it.

Shinji: ...Yah...Oh, man, just talking about it brings back the pain.

Asuka: Good. That's what you get for being stupid.

Shinji: Why did you do that anyways?

Asuka: ...I don't remember.

Hikari: You probably deserved it, though.

Rei: Absolutely.

Asuka: Anyways, Tiny Toons wouldn't ring a bell for either of you, because it was an American childs' cartoon from a decade before any of us were born. And watching it makes Shinji a total geek.

Rei: That makes sense. All of it.

Hikari: Except for why Asuka knows so much about it.

Asuka: I have an encyclopedic knowledge of good cartoons from the 1980's and '90's.

Shinji: ...Why?

Rei: Are you some kind of nerd?

Asuka: Oh, you're one to talk.

Rei: I already know I am. I was just wondering about you.

Shinji: Huh? Rei's a nerd?

Hikari: Yah. She spends all her free time reading books, instead of reading books or going on the Interwebs or anything - or any sort of social life, actually.

Asuka: You said "Interwebs." You're a nerd, too.

Hikari: Was it not already obvious?

Asuka: I suppose. And I suppose I AM a nerd.

Shinji: But you're hot! You can't be a nerd!

Hikari: And what does that make me and Rei! Chopped liver!

Shinji: Oh, you both are...uh...pretty...and stuff...but Asuka is majorly hot.

Rei: He does have a point.

Shinji: How can someone so hot and popular be a nerd?

Asuka: You DO know I have already graduated college, right?

Shinji: NO WAY!

Asuka: ...

Hikari: Beauty is not something dictated by brains (or the lack thereof...) It is good breeding, mostly, combined with good hygine and a good hairstyle, with more than a little fashion sense thrown in.

Rei: And the reason that she is so popular is BECAUSE she is so hot. I am pretty sure it is not her lovely personality...

Asuka: Not that that ever has anything to do with it...and just what do you mean by that!

Shinji: So you're smart. But nerdiness is the combination of brains and geekiness - no one will ever be calling me a nerd, for sure - how are you a geek?

Asuka: Well, in college you have a lot of free time, suprisingly. I took up some different interests. One of them happened to be cartoons.

Shinji: But you were still a kid! Kids watch cartoons!

Asuka: Yes, but they don't generally watch cartoons from decades before their birth, and then learn everything about them.

Hikari: Ooh! Like what!

Asuka: Well, the character Babs Bunny was voiced by Tress MacNeil, who many years later did the voices of Mom and others on a show called Futurama.

Hikari: I loved Futurama! I studied extra hard in English to watch that show.

Asuka: Mom was a good character, wasn't she.

Hikari: Yah..."Jam a bleep in it you crap!" Classic stuff!

Asuka: Heh! You just said bleep ! What a nerd.

Shinji: OK, that sure WAS pretty nerdy. But I refuse to accept it.

Asuka: Oh? Well, how about this: I also watch, and enjoy with a passion, Star Trek, Generation One Transformers, and Robotech.

Rei: Robotech? Don't you mean Macross?

Shinji: Everybody in Japan has seen Macross - and most enjoy it. How is that nerdy?

Asuka: No, I meant Robotech. It was an American production using the animation from Macross, Southern Cross, and Mospeda. It created a single story that spanned decades to consolidate all the animation.

Hikari: Wait...didn't Shinji say you don't have a TV, Rei? How could you know about the Robotech-Macross connection? I didn't even know about that!

Rei: I like reading about TV...

Shinji: Wow. That is WAY nerdy.

Hikari: She sure has me beat in the nerd races. Probably Asuka, too.

Asuka: Hah! Like she can beat me! I also speak the two main Elvish languages from The Lord of the Rings!

Rei: So do I...

Shinji: Wow! Rei is still in the lead.

Asuka: Oh? Well, I also speak Klingon.

Rei: ...You win. Don't know how you can get more nerdy than THAT.

Asuka: Of course I win.

Hikari: Do you have to win EVERYTHING?

Rei: I guess that also makes you the biggest loser...

Shinji: You all disgust me. You guys probably cosplay, too.

Hikari: Oh Shinji, you really shouldn't bring that up...

Asuka: Me! COSPLAY? I was willing to let that "disgusting" remark slide, but you just took it too far!

Rei: You must really be wanting another kick to the bleep, Shinji...and this time from me!

Asuka: You too!

Rei: I hate cosplayers with an irrational passion. They just really bleep me off.

Asuka: ...What about DnD?

Rei: Don't hate it; just wouldn't stoop to something so low myself.

Asuka: Wow! Me too!

Rei: Don't like DDR, either.

Asuka: You know what, I think I was wrong about you.

Hikari: Asuka admitting she was wrong! Color me shocked!

Asuka: I know, it's a special occasion.

Shinji: ...This answers some questions...

Asuka: ...What questions?

Shinji: Well, I always wondered why someone so beautiful and popular as you would hang out with a loser like me.

Asuka: It boggles the mind, don't it?

Shinji: Now I know it is because you are as big a loser as I am.

Asuka: That may be true. However, we all are of a different sort. You are a loser at life. But still, you get to hang out with the beautiful likes of us three, making those same people that despise you envy you at the same time.

Hikari: To bad you aren't in the same bed as Asuka. You might actually achieve coolness.

Rei: It worked for Hikari...

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_Shinji, Asuka, and Misato come home too see a cat orgy_

Asuka: ewww, their having a cat orgy

Shinji: No! bad kitty! No! No!

Rei: appears from under the pile of cats Hi everyone, isnt the sun shining happily on the fields today?

Shinji: rips off shirt showing a dynamite vest I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE! jumps out window

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Asuka: Anything you can do I can do better,

Shinji: HA!

Asuka: I can do anything better than you.

Shinji: No you can't.

Asuka: Yes I can.

Shinji: No you can't!

Asuka: Yes I can!

Shinji: NO YOU CAN'T!

Asuka: shoots Shinji in the headYes I fucking can!

M. Night Shamalong: What a twist.

Shinji: comes back to life as a zombie, and twists Auskas head off

M. Night: Now that's a twist!

rei: (shoots m. night shamalong in da hed). night shamalong: (bleeding and dying) what a

M.Night: ACK!...(before he dies) what a...twist...(dies)

Rei: (gets on banana costume on) IT"S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

zombie shinji: (does da robot)

gendo: (does da moon walk)

misato: (starts raping dead asuka's body)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: "Oh boy my first day at public high school! I can' wait!"

Rei:"Before you go,take this"

Shinji:"Whats this?"

Rei:"An unbrella,it'll reflect all the stuff thrown at you from all the popular more coolers kids after they've established after 2 days that your a nerd to the core of all nerds"

Shinji:"Wow,i didn't know you cared..."

asuka: hey who are you?

shinji: i'm shinji!

rei: aww crap...

asuka: hey everyone! a nerd!

shinji: (takes out umbrella)

asuka: a GAY nerd!

everyone: (throws stuff at shinji)

shinji: ouch! this umbrella dosen't help at all, plus, IT'S PINK!

rei: (laughing her azz off) i can't belive you fell for that...

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: well this is my last post for tonight

Asuka: wimp it's not even 11:00

Shinji: I know I've been up later lately but I need to go to be earlier today at work tomorrow the have me working till midnight!

Asuka: me too dumkompf we both work for the same people.

Shinji: yeah but Mana And I had to cancel our date

Asuka: and I had plans with hikari...wait who is Mana!

Shinji: this girl I've been seing for a couple weeks now she's like a augmentation of you misato and Rei in one.

Asuka: you...don't like me either

Shinji: I do but you have way too much baggage for me to actually date

Asuka: as do you or did you forget that.

Shinji: I didn't but she don't know that doesn't she

Asuka: she will finds her E-mail in about 30 seconds.

Shinji: nooooooo!

Asuka: and that's not all I'll make your shift a living hell HAHAHA!

Shinji: how will that make me like you when you make me lonley and tourture me so?

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And there you have it folks, have a million words bout shinji,. our Emo-istic , somewhat Gay character...stay tuned for more plus a Bonus! til then...tally ho folks!


	14. Chapter 14: OMFG! Ritsukos Secret file!

OMG ANOTHER BONUS CHAPTER!

Chapter 14: Ritsukos Gaydar Experiment.

Maya: always with the lesbians

Misato: I'm surprised he hasn't used you since you're the most lesbianic of the show

Ritsuko: that is true The data confirms it

Misato: what data?

Maya: I participated with Kaworu in an experiment to prove if gaydar is possible and if so whether it can measure how gay a person is

Misato: how come I wasn't informed about this!

Ritsuko: it was part of the reasearch division which is my department and other than your Yuri moment with Asuka you are Straiter than the borders of Wyoming.

Misato: Kaworu isn't gay he loves all of mankind-

Ritsuko:lillum

Misato: excuse me?

Ritsuko: since Kaworu is an angel he refers to all beings by their angelic names.

Misato: oh

Maya: it was you who pointed that out that humans are angels ma'am.

Misato: I know this but still where is this data

Ritsuko: right here hands her a spreadsheet

Misato: Maya rated a 86/100, and Kaworu rated a 48/100

Ritsuko: like you said he loves all of the lillum

Misato: wouldn't be even then

Maya: 52 of the world's population is female

Misato: wasn't that before second impact

Ritsuko: despite how devastating second impact was the effect on the percentage of males and females was minimal.

Misato: enough of this techno-babble, who approved of this

Maya: commander Fuyutski

misato: What, Why?

Ritsuko: for the third in commmand you sure don't know what is going on around here, anyway Fuyutski, didn't explain why he wanted it done, we just did it.

misato: well I doo have two children to take care of

Maya: yeah you look it too

Misato: What's that supposed to mean!

Maya: senpai is right, you DO ask a lot of questions.

Misato: so other than how gay a person is what else did your experiment show did it show who was Maya was Gay for?

Ritsuko: another question how typical, no, unfortunately we still don't know who Maya wants in her life but considering that most of NERV is staffed by men it shouldn't be hard to figure out.


	15. Chapter 15: Maya's Educational Lesson

Ritsuko: _shoots kaworu_

_three days later_

Kaworu: I am back among the lillum

Shinji: wait I saw you die!

Kaworu: I am like rei I am a clone in fact heres a whole tank of me somewhere.

Shinji: _A Major What the Fuck look on his face  
_

Asuka: That is disturbing, sick, and it makes me sooo hot. Take me Kaworu! FUCKMY BRAINS OUT! (They start going at it)

Shinji: What about me? _sad look  
_

Asuka: Join in. I can handle both of you_ winks  
_

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Asuka: Thanks Ms. Abuki. That was really...instructive.

Maya: Oh, don't mention it. I am here for you girls anytime.

Asuka: I had a lot of fun.

Maya: Me too. I hope do be able to do it again.

Asuka: I am sure I am going to need some more education in this...

Maya: Like I said, I am here for you. It's my job.

Asuka: I didn't think THIS was part of your job.

Maya: ...Well, TECHNICALLY it isn't. But I want to be able to help out the pilots ANY way I can - and that IS my job.

Asuka: What about Shinji? You can't exactly do THIS with him.

Maya: I help him out a lot, but I think we both see our relationship as big sister-little brother...and, quite frankly, brothers and sisters don't do some certain things together...or that I would do with men, anyways.

Asuka: I guess so.

Maya: For those sort of needs I can't answer for him, I defer to Misato...or Kaji.

Asuka: KAJI!

Maya: Yah. Kaji has a lot more experience in a lot of things than I do.

Asuka: I suppose so...

Maya: But you girls...I can help a lot MORE.

Asuka: And you sure did. You made it a LOT more fun than I thought it was going to be.

Maya: Why can't we have some pleasure with our business?

Asuka: I don't see why not.

Maya: All right, just remember, if you...or Rei...ever need ANYTHING, come on by. My door is always open for you!

Asuka: Oh, I plan on it.

Hikari: AH HA!

Asuka: HIKARI!

Maya: Rei?

Asuka: What...what are you doing here!

Hikari: Looking for you! And guess where we find you!

Rei: Right where Shinji said she would be...

Asuka: Wait...how did Shinji know I was here?

Maya: He wanted to stop by, but I told him I was going to be with you today.

Asuka: So he told you...

Rei: Very reluctantly (so please don't kill him!).

Hikari: We had to all but beat it out of him. He was VERY reluctant...like he was trying to hide something...to cover up for you.

Asuka: You told him what we were doing!

Maya: He looked so hurt when I told him we couldn't hang out today...I just couldn't stand not telling him.

Asuka: Great! Now the secret's out! I may just have to kill him anyways.

Rei: He didn't tell us WHAT you were doing...just where you were.

Hikari: Oh, but I figured it out pretty quick.

Rei: She came to an...unsavory...conclusion (one I didn't neccessarily agree with, I might add).

Maya: What sort of Conclusion was it?

Hikari: You came here looking for some "education," didn't you!

Asuka: Of course I did!

Hikari: And it just had to be an older woman, didn't it?

Asuka: Yes!

Hikari: And it wasn't something we could do together?

Asuka: No! No it was not! Besides, I doubt you even know how.

Hikari: But...but I thought we were going to figure it out...together...

Asuka: Sorry. Not this time.

Hikari: I see...

Maya: Why is she crying?

Rei: I'm not too sure I know anymore.

Hikari: You didn't WANT to do it with me...so you're with her, now.

Asuka: Huh?

Hikari: I guess that explains why you won't...why you won't...

Asuka: Won't what?

Hikari: That's fine with me! I'll just have you know that while you were with...her, I was having my own lecherous ways with Rei here!

Maya: _Shocked look_

Rei: It was most uncomfortable...at least at first...

Maya: I didn't know you were...that way...

Rei: I'm not...thus the uncomfortable part...

Asuka: That's fine! That's why I gave her to you, after all!

Rei: GAVE me to her!

Asuka: Quiet Rei! This doesn't concern you!

Rei: Doesn't concern me!

Asuka: ...Is THAT what you thought I was doing here!

Hikari: Of course it was! We all know about her (well, Rei and Shinji did, anyways)!

Maya: You...do?

Rei: It is obvious...

Asuka: She is?

Rei:...

Asuka: I just thought she was shy...

Hikari: What! You didn't know?

Asuka: Kinda ashamed I didn't...

Maya: Is...oh, my! It was nothing like that at all, Miss Hokari!

Hikari: ...How did you know my name? I have never seen you before...

Maya: Oh, don't concen yourself with that...

Asuka: I told her!

Maya: Uh...yah...she told me...

Hikari: Anyways...so, you weren't...doing THAT?

Maya: No! That is totally inappropriate! Not that I wouldn't totally hit that if that she came asking me for THAT sort of help...but I would NEVER put any of you girls in that sort of situation!

Asuka: It was something completely different.

Hikari: Then...what?

Asuka: I was going to suprise you...but I was making this for you...

Hikari: This already IS a suprise.

Asuka: Well, later...

Hikari: ...I really didn't know how to do this! How did she? She doesn't look THAT old...

Maya: ...'Cause I'm not...it's just that, when you aren't wasting time chasing guys, you have time to learn...other things.

Hikari: I was...I was so wrong...I so totally thought...from your conversation...that...

Rei: I was coming to that conclusion myself...

Asuka: You were listening?

Rei: We were hiding outside for a half-hour before you two came out.

Asuka: Do you, like, help her stalk me, or something?

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: hey guess what everyone?

everyone:What?

Shinji: IM R TEH GAYZORS!11!one!1 (He WOULD say that and YOU know it! lol)

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ep six

Announcer: there will be a emergency black-out tommorrow at 12:00am that is all.

Kensuke: wait did they jut stop our game

Toji: yeah it looks like they did

game switches back on

kensuke: oh great our characters died!

Toji: I told you we should play D&D with paper and pencil.

Kensuke: but then we would have missed the announcement.

Toji: I'm sure that they are announcing it all over town. All we had to do was open a window or something

Kensuke: for a friend you sure bleep the fun out of everything

toji: where did that come from

Kensuke: first off, you come over to my house to play D&D, you forgot to bring snacks, while we were playing all you were talking about was how hungry you were and how we were not "really" playing D&D, and on top of that you just took away "my look on the brightside" comment with your unending pessimism.

Toji: not listening you got any food around here.

( Great NOW shinjis Gayness is Rubbing off on Toji! Damn you shinji!11one. lol , oh and Mayas "My door is always open for you!" thing...You know what she means!...lol)

P.S.: oh and for many who love Kaworu, View the link in the Thread (IF YOUR EVEN A MEMBER! YOU AS HATER! lol)


	16. WHY they shouldnt Drive, Cross overs

Back Yet again with a fresh batch!

Chapter 16: WHY they shouldnt and Cross over Mayham!

Shinji: Ahhh its nice to be in Hawaii.

Rei: Uh Shinji this is northern Japan.

Shinji: Shut up Britney Spears.

Rei: I'm not Britney Sears, so don't call me that.

Shinji: Don't tell the Rock what to do . _(Smack)_

Kaworu: Ha ha good one Shinji.

Shinji: AHHHHHH snakes (Punches Kaworu)

_Shinji reaches for his head and pulls a zipper_

M. Night Shamalong: What a twist.

He gets run over by a tank

Tucker: Hey Church I think we hit a guy.

Church: He probably diserved to die.

Cabose: You're mean Chruch _(Smack)_ Ohh don't hit me I'll be good.

M. Night Shamalong: (trying to move) Whhattt a twi... _Hit by another car._

Ichigo: Damn we're in the EVA thread.

Rukia: I told you to turn left at the last 'Best couple thread'.

MNight: wwwwwhhhattttt..._hit by a car_

Sarge: bleep it Simmons you'll dent the fender...

Griff: sarge, this car has four inch armor plateing, what's a human body gonna do to that?

Sarge: _throws griff in front of warthog_ i dont know lets see...

Griff: Uh. . . Sarge? _is hit by the car_

Sarge: Hehe. . . Easy as giving a monkey a spanking. . . _awkward silence_

Simmons: What!

_EVA 01 steps on the Warthog_

Sarge: My only regret is that I never got to kill Grif. . . wait. . . is Grif dead?

Grif: No!

Sarge: Damnit. . . Simmons. . . You're almost like a son to me. . . well. . . more so than Grif. . . So. . . finish the job will you?

Simmons: Er. . . Okay?

Sarge: dies

Simmons: So. . . am I the new Sarge now?

Lopez: No se. . .

Asuka: (knocking Lopez head off) I am not a doll!

Simmons: Wait why are you here?

Asuka: There was a lack of EVA characters here that I'm suppost to stop.

Simmons: So by being here right now you completed your mission?

Asuka: Yep

Grif: Why can't we get easy missions like that. I love standing around. I do that all the time. Heck I'm doing it right now.

Asuka&Simmons: Shut up Grif.

Simmons: Hey that was good. Wanna join the Red Team?

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shinji: move over misato I'm driving.

Misato: I think not Asuka is you don't have your license yet and your too young anyway.

Shinji:Asuka is younger than me how did she get her licesnse did she let the guy see with out the "Viewing fee"

Asuka: slaps Shinji no, I would never do such a thing you pervert!

Shinji: what fee was that!

Asuka: that's the "complaining to the person who will be holding your life in their hands" fee, and if you must know how I got my license I merley stopped by the DMV in my Eva and they were glad almost eager to give me a license Shinji: that was misuse of UN property. not even misato would let you do that.

Misato: just for that I'm not letting you ride in MY car.

Shinji: how will I get to NERV then Asuka: there's a golf cart int the corner use that.

Shinji: why is that here Misato: I bought it a couple years ago when my license was suspended.

Shinji: That was expected with the way you drive you shouldn't have a license at all.

Misato: your banned for a month and now responsible for all maintence and fuel costs of that cart, keep insulting me, and I'll come up with way worse.

Shinji: Shutting up..._Bitch..._

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

shinji: _walks in on asuka changing._

asuka: you perv

shinji: you know you want it, you little slut!

asuka: your right shinji , fuck me, FUCK me hard!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gendo; (He has his pants off and kissing Eva Unit 01. Then Everyone looks at him) Yeah this is what it looks like.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ichigo: a duck Rukia: I wanted the bunny dispenser but somebody had already orderd it. Some woman in a beige uniform if I had my shinigami powers I would have.

Ichigo: hey it's just a dispenser not like anything bad is going to happen Rukia: I wonder what she though it really was.  
meanwhile

Maya:I love pez Huyga: hey pez can I get some Maya: sure Misato: hey what are you guys doing Huyga: we're about to eat some pez

Misato: cool is it ok If I have any?

Maya: sure hey lets eat it all at the same time takes out pez dispenser

huyga: A bunny maya: I like bunnies so I got a bunny pez dispenser, the last one too. there was a gril about Asuka's age in line with me and she wanted one too but hey you snooze you loose.

Misato: ha that's true huyga: alright on three 1-2-3 all eat pez and their souls leave their bodies

Huyga ghost: WTF Misato ghost:huh OMG Maya Maya shinigami: what Huygaghost: your wearing a black robe and have a sword Mayashinigami: really maybe that's why he let me in Huyga ghost: the owner of the shop Maya shinigami: yeah he said he served "exclusive clientel" but he would make an exception since he though I was cute.

Misato ghost: I was wondering why the pez was round Huyga ghost: what happend to our bodies Maya shinigami: looks like they are just lying there kaji walks in

Kaji: oh hi...everyone Misato ghost: Kaji listen to me we are up here kaji doesn't notice

Kaji: ohh pez Everyone's spirits: NOOOOO!

Kaji Ghost: so i guess that wasnt pez...

Everyone Ghost: stares...

Asuka walks in sees Kajis body lying there...

Asuka: Kaji OMG! he's DEAD, no wait he has a pulse... looks around evily drag kaji body off...

fifteen minutes pass(conencidently they are 15 min from misatos house even dragging an uncoucious man)

Kaji Ghost: why do i suddenly have a hard on, and get the feeling my body is getting viloated?

OMG Kajis Ghost got Rap3d Agains! lol! LEAVE REVIEWS!


	17. Chapter 17: The lost EoE Endinglol

God: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

Me: uh...ok...IM BACK WITH NEW STUFF FROM THE AS TEAM!

Chapter 17: The lost Alternative Ending for EoE...lol!

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Asuka: You seem rather bold lately, Rei. Why the sudden change?

Rei: With the Commander dead, the experiments stopped, and-

Shinji: Wait! My father's dead!

Rei: Haven't you been wondering where he's been?

Shinji: Not really.

Asuka: I'm...sorry, Shinji.

Shinji: It's not like I'll miss him or anything. It's just kinda news to me, that's all.

Rei: Oh. Then it won't bother you that you're the one who killed him?

Shinji: Me! When did this happen!

Rei: After the army came and attacked. You stopped Instrumentality doing it.

Shinji: But how! I thought everbody came back from Instrumentality already.

Asuka: Instrumentality?

Shinji: Yah. First, you were fighting the SEELE evas-

Asuka: Yes.

Shinji: And then you died because I couldn't get to my eva-

Asuka: What! I died? But I mutilated all those-

Shinji: Yes. And then they regenerated after you ran out of power, and mutilated your eva. Then I came out, and there was this giant Rei that freaked me out, and then something happened where all the souls of humanity came together in one ball, but I said that people should make their own decisions, and Giant Rei fell apart, and I woke up on a beach with Asuka and everything was red, and we were the only two people on the earth-

Rei: Really?

Shinji: Yes.

Rei: So...why is everybody back?

Shinji: I just assumed everyone came back like Asuka and me.

Asuka: Shinji: What? Wierder things have happened.

Rei: That's stupid. Shinji: Huh?

Rei: Evas can't regenerate like that. Not after what that freak did to them.

Asuka: Freak?

Rei: You beat up my poor Shinji pretty bad, right after he saved your arse from the army after your power ran out.

Asuka: I was trying to revive him! He was halucinating! You heard him!

Rei: But did you have to lick up his blood from your hands like an animal?

Asuka: ...I...I had to do something with it...right?

Shinji: ...So if that was a halucination...what was this Instrumentality that I stopped?

Rei: It was the Commander's evil plan to take over the world I was telling you about earlier.

Asuka: Oh, I see.

Rei: You don't see anything yet. I haven't even told you how it was to work yet!

Asuka: How would you know?

Rei: He was gloating about it right before he did it, like a good villian. Shinji: Huh. Didn't think he was that type. Rei: Just because he was a bad father doesn't mean he wasn't a bad villian.

Shinji: Rei: Sorry. Asuka: Anyways.

Rei: Anyways, the plan was originally to have me - or rather, the Rei before me - go out and fight SEELE's inevitable eva attack. She would loose, so Shinji would stop being emo enough to go out and try to save me. He, of course would get destroyed.

Asuka: Why? He had a better synch ratio than me, and I managed to get them all in less than four minutes!

Rei: Combat isn't about synch ratios. You have always been the best pilot, despite all your other deficiencies.

Asuka: It's the bleep Japanese food. I can't help it if they shrink because of that.

Rei: Anywho, Unit-01 would blow up, spreading a mind-controlling nanobot all over Japan (while at the same time convieniently destroying SEELE's evas and most of NERV). He would then use Lilith to broadcast his mind-control beams and have everybody come to what was left of NERV to get robotic parts. Using this cyborg army, he would proceed to take over the world.

Shinji: Question.

Rei: What?

Shinji: Who's Lilith?

Rei: The angel in Terminal Dogma.

Shinji: I thought that was Adam. Rei: No, Adam was in the Commander's hand.

Asuka: I guess that's why he always wore gloves. Gross.

Rei: It's even grosser when he feels up your bare breast with it.

Shinji: Why would he do that!

Rei: I guess his first act as future ruler of the world would be to defile the last remaining clone of his dead wife.

Asuka: How disgusting! Rei: Yah...he really was that evil. Ritsuko tried to stop him (jealous bleep), but he shot her.

Shinji: Oh. No one misses her much, I guess.

Rei: Not me, that's for sure. Asuka: Me neither. But Ms. Ibuki did.

Rei: Did?

Asuka: I've...comforted her...and she doesn't miss her one bit anymore.

Rei: I am not going to ask how you did that.

Asuka: And I'm not going to tell.

Rei: Huh...well, at that point, Shinji killed the Commander.

Asuka: But how did he do that? Rei: Well, as you might have noticed from my story, I didn't go out, and Shinji wasn't going to get blown up by SEELE's evas.

Asuka: I did notice that. I'm sure you'll get to that, though.

Rei: Of course. The Commander wanted to send me out in Unit-02, as Unit-00 was all blown up. However, I just happened to be in Terminal Dogma at the time, and by the time he found me, the Major had already sent you out in the eva for protection. Plus, Shinji was cut off from the rest of NERV and his eva - the Commander hadn't counted on the army getting involved.

Asuka: That must have really cramped his style. Rei: Indeed. However, once you revived, you became the new bait. Shinji would go out to save you instead, since you always seemed to need it.

Asuka:...

Rei: You didn't, it turned out - by the time Shinji got to his eva, you had won. He still had to save you from the army, though - but they had no chance of destroying Unit-01 with its S2 engine.

Shinji: I so totally forgot about that

Asuka: So...how was Gendo (yes, I'm using the evil Bastards first name ) going to do it?

Rei: He was going to use Lilith to send a self-destruct signal directly to the eva's animal brain.

Asuka: How was he going to make Lilith do anything?

Rei: With the angel in his hand, stupid

Asuka: Right.

Rei: However, when he did that, instead of blowing up, it caused Shinji to go crazy (and have that crazy dream, apparently). The feedback then went back to Lilith, and thus to Adam, causing both angels to die, and taking the Comma- I mean, Gendo, with them.  
Asuka?

Rei: It was a part of himself, you know. The part on his hand was just the surface manifestation, apparently.

Asuka: ...So, Shinji not only saved my life, but also incidentally saved your virtue and dignity, and the rest of the world?

Rei: ...I guess you could put it that way.

Asuka: Well, I think I should reward him...but Rei would kill me.

Shinji: Oh, I think Rei would let you kiss me, right Rei?

Rei: Kiss?

Shinji: Yah, like all those stories. You know, the knight saves the damsel in distress, and she rewards him with a kiss.

Asuka: I was thinking something a little...more.

Rei: You're right - I will kill you. Besides, you just want him because you can't have him.

Asuka: No, that's not...yeah, so?

Shinji: ...Uh...I'm not sure what exactly you all are getting at, but I think I have come up with a compromise that will make everyone happy.

Rei: I don't see how.

Asuka: Me neither. Still, let's humor him.

Rei: Of course. So, what is this compromise?

Shinji: Well...how about Asuka does whatever she was going to do to me to Rei instead, and then

Rei can do that to me. That way, it's like Asuka is doing whatever it was to me, abiet indirectly.

Rei:...

Asuka: I'm perfectly happy with that Grin

Hope you enjoyed TheRoyalFamilys Post!


	18. Chapter 18: IM A MAN! And MOAR!

Once again im Revived and bringing in fresh crap from teh team!

Chapter 18: IM A MAN! Flava of Gendo, Asuyasha, Yaoism+Lesbianism And MOAR!

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Kaworu: Hey Shinji I see you got a big 'saw'. You know I just happen to have a 'mount' for that 'saw'. So maybe we should mount my 'saw'. Huhuhuhu?

Toji: That may just be the gayest conversation I've ever heard.

Kaji: We need to make this more manly.

Shinji: Umm... BEEF!

Toji: BEER!

Kaworu: NON COMMETMENT!

Kaji pulls out a phone and dials a random number

Kaji: I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!

Random Women: Who is this?

Kaji: I'M A MAN! (Hangs up)  
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announcer: and now back to the finale of "Flavor of Gendo"

host: ok gendo last time maya was eliminated so we're down to three ladies: rei, misato, and ritsuko

host: ok its up to you gendo, which one of these girls will win the show and your heart?

gendo: hmmm... well rei is underaged so shes out...

rei: whatever your son's better in the sack anyways

gendo:...and misato is kaji's kool-aid

ritsuko: (smiles, expecting victory)

gendo: and ritsuko, you're ok, but you can't really even come close to that mother of yours

ritsuko: (gasps in horror and rage)

gendo: so that means im gonna stick with the man who's always been there for me in MANY ways, professor fuyutski!

everyone: WTF?

host: uhhm.. im sorry mr. ikari but he wasnt one of the finalists and as such...

gendo: you know what? FUCK ALL Y'ALL! (shoots everyone except fuyutski)

gendo: c'mon sweetums, theres a motel 6 just a little ways from her

fuyutski (thinking): YES! im finally gonna score!...even if its with a guy

m. night shamalan: what a tw...

gendo: (shoots m. night shamalan) I THOUGHT IT SAID I FUCKING KILLED EVERYBODY!

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Inuyasha: I quit

Exec1: what are we going to do our star just quit

exec2: wait, I have an Idea.

exec1: what is it?

exec2: weel to replace inuyasha we need a character who is ledgendary for getting angry, has long hair, ear like apatures on thier head, is white/asian big eyes, likes somebody but will never have, likes sombody that they won't admit to, and often is put in unrealistic same sex pairngs.

exec1: hmm I wonder who meets all those qualifactions?

exec2: pushes button stacy call the katsuragi residence

stacy: connecting now sir.

phone rings

Shinji: hello

Exec2: yes, hello is this the katsuragi residence?

Shinji: yes

exec1: I'd like to speak with Asuka please, tell her its about a well paying job with that'll make her a star

Shinjik...tells Asuka

Asuka: what Give me that!grabs phone allo!

Exec2: Hello Asuka I hav a proposition for you, I want you to be a replacement for inyuasha

Asuka: What!

exec1: listen you fit our criteria for a replacement and you'll be absolutely famous for this and we'll even change the title just for you.

Asuka: alright but you'd have to kill that shippo whimp he's more useless than shinji!

Shinji: that hurt

Asuka: this doesn't concern you!

exec1: I'll do all the paperwork, talk it over with nerv, and get you a limo to show up in-

Asuka: hummer limo

Exec2: fine but you may want to talk it over with you guardian

Asuka: oh I got that coverd looks at a bottle of Captain morgan

at the set a few days later

Exec2: alright Asuka come on out

Asuka: okcomes out of dressing room

Exec2: wonderful everyone look at our new replacemant: Asuyasha

Kagome: Wow! Shes HOT! I can't wait for the Yuri loving.

exec1: You just wait untill we do the hentai release. Now Asuyasha could you scream "Kagome!" for me?

Asuyasha: KAGOME!

exec2: (Wipping a tear way) That was just beautiful.

Shinji: encore!

Asuyasha: no. not for you.

Shinji: (Sad Face)

Exec.1: oK now for the topless scene!

Asuyasha:WHAT!

Shinji:smiles dumbly

Exec2: ok Kagome and Asuyasha take your shirts off

Asuyasha:why!

Exec1: cuz if you dont youll be crucified per terms of agreement  
We all know what come next... lesbianism!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji: soo much lesbianism lateley

Kaworu: would you perfer Yaoi action

Shinji: um no

Kaworu: too late my mere presence with you means yaoi must take place...in the mainds of many fangirls

Shinji: I know my fangirls---

Kaworu: no you don't have any fangirls at least not as many as I do and in nearly all the yaoi I seduce you.

Shinji: how did you see me with Asuka

Kaworu: I got angel powers and since I am the angel of free will I can change it and that's how I get you every time

Asuka: and for the record Shinji I've had better

Shinji: you slvt! I trusted you1

Asuka: but kenske is simply better than you at least he'd be happy to be a pilot and let's just say he "studies"

Kaworu: I've seen him study as well he must be well informed by now

Asuka: oh yes he is he simply know all my buttons now and the firstime we-

Shinji: I don't want to hear this!

Kaworu: shinji your heart is fragile being betrayd by your friend, father, and co-worker is quite devestating but I will not betray you

Shinji: really walks over to kaworu you promise.

Kaworu: yes

Shinji: embraces kaworu thank you

Asuka: wow you got him in less than 2 minutes that's icredible!

Shinji: goddammit kaworu you did it again!

Hikari: There's no such thing as too much lesbianism.

Asuka: Hikari?

Hikari: What? It's not like you disagree...do you?

Asuka: No...

Hikari: So, what's wrong?

Asuka: Well...you're breaking the fourth wall!

Hikari: Oooh! I'm sooooo scared! What's going to happen? Are the Literature Police going to come and arrest me or something?

Asuka: No...but...it's just not right...

Hikari: Eh, lighten up. Metahumor is fun!

Asuka: Yah, so it is. But I don't see what the humor in your original statement was.

Hikari: I was responding something said by Shinji in another post.

Asuka: And how is that funny?

Hikari: In itself, nothing. However, the statement itself is humourous; and when combined in a meta-context, it all works out for the best.

Asuka: Doesn't sound like a very good explanation to me.

Hikari: Quiet you!

Asuka: There you go again. Always deflecting the issue.

Hikari: Like you don't do that constantly?

Asuka: There you go doing it again.

Hikari: I am not. I am merely pointing out the hypocracy in your statement.

Asuka: You were not pointing out anything! You just made an ad hominim attack against my character and stated it as fact. If you are going to "point out" anything, you have to have evidence to back it up!

Hikari: I thought it was painfully obvious.

Asuka: Well, I suppose it isn't.

Hikari: Fine, I'll play by your rules. First, the problem you are deflecting: your sexual relationship with me!

Asuka: ...There is none...

Hikari: Not yet. Because you are avoiding the issue and using irrelevant arguments to distract from the main point.

Asuka: What arguments?

Hikari: You giving Rei to me to do with as I please.

Asuka: And doesn't that satisfy you?

Hikari: Yes. To a point. However, it does not resolve the conflict between the two of us in the slightest.

Asuka: Is not your problem stem from the fact that you are a nympho, and you just want to satisfy your carnal urges?

Hikari: While those are all true, the main problem lies with the fact that I want to "satisfy those carnal urges," as you say, with _you_, and yet you refuse.

Asuka: And why is this causing a conflict? Do we not do other things? And can you not substitute Rei for myself?

Hikari: While we do other things, these things do not achieve the level of intimacy I desire. And while Rei (and to some greater extent, Mana)-

Asuka: Mana?

Hikari: Yes. Do you not remember?

Asuka: Ah, yes. Now I do.

Hikari: So, while they do satisfy my immediate needs, and Mana does bear a superficial resemblance to you, and the fact that you gave your permission for such acts, even suggested them yourself in order to make me happy, does indeed bring me great joy, they are yet not yourself.

Asuka: So you will never be satisfied with just them?

Hikari: No. Only with you could I ever be truely fulfilled.

Asuka: And would the conflict be over?

Hikari: That particular one would be, yes. I cannot predict any future conflicts, though they are inevitable, given both your and my personalities, and the fact that we are both human and make mistakes, both in action and in perception of action.

Asuka: Indeed. However, does not the aforementioned conversation put you at ease, somewhat?

Hikari: It does, as it gives a probable, predictable end to this conflict. However, the anticipation only increases the desire, and thus increases the conflict.

Asuka: Have you ever thought of just being patient, and being content with what you have, knowing that the future does indeed bring better things?

Hikari: The thought has crossed my mind on a number of occasions. Verily, I am being rather patient. I have never tried to pressure you overmuch, have I?

Asuka: No, you have not. Unbelievable restraint being shown, perhaps?

Hikari: I know that I myself did not think it possible

From Far off

Kaji: i gotta find better places to hide my stash...

Random Guy runs in

RG:Hey everbody Surfs Up.

Everyone starts dancing

Kenske: This doesn't make any sense.

Shinji: This is NGE nothing makes sense. (A clown comes up and pours Shinji some Wine)

Clown: I'm older than time itself.

Asuka: Thats it I'm leaving.

Kaworu: But you'll miss the Monkey Blimp Air Dual.

Asuka: Man the person whos writing this must be on drugs.

Hewhowatchesanime : Hey I'm only high on life...and PCP.

(( Thank you...thank you! join me and the AS team next Chapter!))


	19. Chapter 19: That Sex Chapter!

Chapter 19: Incestious Gayrific Sex Chapter! (God Save me from Myself!)

Shinji:so asuka wanna repopulate the earth now?

Asuka: no now shut up or there will be no repopulating of any kind you pervert!

Shinji: but what about the human race?

Asuka: i dont give a flying fck about the human race if it means im going to get pestered by a pervert day and night!

shinji:aww, but then the entire human race will be wiped out!

asuka: i don't give a danm!

shinji: how about this, we have sex, you have the baby, i take care of it and you never see me again.

asuka: that's what they all say!

shinji: oh, but we need more than one, so they can have smex.

asuka: are you saying you want our kids to have sex with each other?

shinji: there's no other way.

asuka: what if they're both boys huh? didn't think about that, did you, genious?

shinji: then we keep trying 'till we get it right.

asuka: are you kidding?

shinji: cmon, i can't be that bad, just give it a try?

Asuka: fine but if i get to the point where i cant feel child birth at all we are stopping got it?

Shinji: Yes Ma'am!

5 babies later

asuka: cmon shinji, don't be so mean.

shinji: i said no! i already grew tired of you.

asuka: well if i don't have sex with you, then who?

shinji: i dunno, but ever since that first time you have been pressuring me for more and i think i've had my fill of asuka for now.

asuka: but you're the one who wanted to save the human race!

shinji: okay, fine, but only for 2 hours.

asuka: aww cmon shinji!

shinji: 4 hours and that's it!

asuka:(Happy Face)

50 babies later (no girls. WTF!)

asuka: awww cmon shinji just one more try, im sure we'll have a girl this time.

shinji: (shoots asuka)... come out, my love, the coast is clear (Kaworu appears)

kaworu: ahhhh... now its just me, you, and 55 little shinjis...and no women in sight!

shinji: yep its like gay heaven!

Misato turns the film off

Misato: And that, Shinji, is why you can't go to the mall today.

shinji: when did that happen? where did you get that film? are you saying i'm gay?

misato: billions of years ago, the video store, and yes.

shinji: pins her dows i'll show you how gay i am!

misato: oh, finally! i knew you weren't gay!

shinji: what position do you want?

misato: personllly i like missionary.

shinji: puts on condom you know what? fuggit. takes off condom

misato: sorry kids, this is for our eyes only so fuggoff!

Me: Stuck up alittle...oh its back!

5 seconds later

misato (dissapointed): well to be honest i wasn't hoping you were THAT straight.

shinji: (blushes) sorry...

_just then..._

Misato rips of a mask and its realy shinji's father

_Shinji just had smex with his father!_

_Shiniji barfing_

Gendo: Ah that was good, you pass

_shinji keeps on barfing._

Shinji:i FUCKING hate you man!

shinji: wait...uh...dad...where'd u get the fake pussy?

gendo: hot topic, same day i got the whip

shinji: yeah, about the whip.

gendo: i know you took it to use it on asuka.

shinji: you're not mad?

gendo: of course not! as long as you don't touch rei.

shinji: hey! remember that post awhile ago where you promised me maya? whatever happened to that?

gendo: lack of funds. i used all of nerv's money at hot topic

shinji: whadya buy?

gendo: just some fun smexy stuff.

shinji: like that misato suit?

gendo: yup. and the asuka suit and the rei suit and the shinji suit and the ritsuko suit and the

megaman suit.

shinji: megaman suit?

gendo: correction, the megaman x suit.

shinji: why did you buy that?

gendo: self defence.

Inu89: you guys need some Therapy...

((Thank the Mind of frickinawesomeneon! lol))


	20. Chapter 20: I'ts insert name here

Alright teh next chaptar is gonna be a special Thanks to those who submmited their jokes of the Eva characters and nearly made me piss myself by just reading them!

Chapter 20: SHINJIROTH, It's Insert Name here, Yaoi much and +1!

Shinji: there is something I haven't done in awhile that I must do,pleas wait here Asuka.  
Asuka?  
shinji comes out of his room as sepiroth  
shinjiroth: I have retunrned  
bacround singers:SHINJIROTH  
Asuka: ohh sexy villian

(NERV)

Gendo:great, he's got the Sephiroth costume again...  
Sephiroth:wipes tear from eye he makes me proud...  
Gendo:WTF? when did you get here?  
Sephiroth: I have been here since the beginning of this thread  
Gendo:How come we never saw you?  
Sephiroth:shadows  
Gendo: oh

(Katsuragi residence)

Shinjiroth:so, shall we get ready for our special night?  
Asuka:Yes, but not with you  
Shinjiroth:eh?  
Asuka:I'm going to go see Hikari  
Shinjiroth:here or her house?  
Asuka:her house.  
Shinjiroth: meet me there! teleports  
Asuka: WTF? Since when could he do that?  
Rei:It's all in the costume  
Asuka:When did you get here?  
Rei:I am always here, just like Lord Sephiroth...  
Asuka:"lord"?  
Rei:yes lord, Lord Sephiroth treats me quite nicely if you catch my drift (link)  
Asuka: (even more shocked face)

(NERV)

Sephiroth:And that is why I am better than you with the ladies (smirky look)  
Gendo: ow... my pride (sad face)

(hikari residence)  
Hikari: ahh who are you  
Shinjiroth: the one winged angel and Eva pilot SHINJIROTH  
hikari: you are so hot to me right now  
Asuka: (panting) I...saw...him ...first.  
hikari: but you are too tired now  
Shinjiroth: ladies ladies there is enough of Shinjiroth for you to share.  
(at Nerv)  
ritsuko: with nosebleed impressive  
Gendo: (shocked face)  
sepiroth:I have taught him well just like my other apprentice  
kaji: yes master you have  
Gendo:where did you come from  
kaji: I was hiding in a box because I'm a spy and we do that sometimes  
off screen misato gets out of the box holding her clothes and runs off

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

back round singers: its Kaji  
pimp music  
Gendo: no thats me its supposed to be "its gendo"  
Kaji: tru and I am more of a playa but hey it works with ant two syllable name and backound singers are not loyal to anyone  
Gendo: really  
kaji: yep just watch! shinji get in here  
shinji walks in  
Backround singers: its Shinji!  
pimp music  
fuyutski: I'll never be pimptacular  
Maya: svcks to be you  
Backround singers: its maya  
pimp music  
Shinji:this is getting annoying  
Gendo shoots the backround singers  
Gendo: If I don't have them all to myself then I want you to have none either.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Aoba: theres nothing to do since the angels have been defeated  
Huyga buttsecks?  
Maya: OO yaoi

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gendo: we be big pimpin' spendding G's  
Keel: about that  
Gendo; yes  
Keel: can selee com too  
Gendo: only the back guy  
Blackguy: for shizzle gendfizzle  
Gendo: word.

--------------------------------------------------------------------


	21. Chapter 21: BIG SHOUT OUT TO

Heres The list of those who made everyones lives happy by submmitting their jokes on the AS Thread "Things that Eva characters wouldnt say"!

Chapter 21: Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU! (Repeats it 500,000 times)

GARHUNT05 (for the Many HikariXAsuka Parodies, including doujinshis and many innuendos including Gendo and Fuyutski! and for starting Gendos "IRRELEVENT!" Phrase!)

82889

Frisky inuyasha (thats me peeps!)

Hewhowatchesanime

eva0001 (for teh hilarious Porno Reference of spit and swallow! which you will see in the next chapter!)

TheRoyalFamilyI (Words cant describe how funny this guy makes Sexual Innuendos with the characters!)

LordofDemise

matrixman124 (love it when you extend stuff and add more lol to it!)

Zatoichi200X

Bahamut------- (For the Birth of SHINJIROTH!)

Matthileo (Referencing many Eva Parodies out there!)

geglash

(so thx..dun worry if i miss ya, post a comment and il add ya lol!)


	22. Chapter 22: In honor of eva0001!

This ones dedicated to the funniest User on AS ive ever seen so far! (but not as close to GARHUNT)

Chapter 22: In Honor of Eva0001!

(Shinji and Asuka are in a field with grass up to there ankles)  
Shinji: Is it ok to do it here?  
Asuka: No, it needs to be more private.  
(Shinji and Asuka are in a field with grass up to there knees)  
Shinji: How about here? Is it ok to do it here?  
Asuka: No, it still needs to be more private.  
(Shinji and Asuka are in a field with grass up to there waist)  
Shinji: What about now? Is it ok to do it here?  
Asuka: No, the grass still needs to be longer, enough so people won't be able to see us.  
(Shinji and Asuka are in a field with grass up to there necks)  
Shinji: Alright, this has to be long enough, no one would be able see us now.  
Asuka: OK, this spot should be fine.  
(Shinji and Asuka kneel down)  
Shinji: OK, you readly?  
Asuka: Yep, one M&M for me, one M&M for you, one M&M for me, one M&M for you.

Shinji looks down at his pants  
Shinji: Hey! That last one wasnt an m&m, it was Viagra!  
Asuka: Muahahahaha...  
Asuka (to self): What an idiot! He thought I wanted privacy so we could trade m&ms?  
M. Night Shaymalan: What a tweeeeest!

(Later!11one)

Shinji: Asuka can i ask you something?

Asuka: sure.

Shinji: do you spit or swallow?

Asuka: Spit or swallow what?

Shinji: (Rolls on the floor laughing)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

(lol thx eva0001!)


	23. Chapter 23: Misatod SEXed

This is Perhaps one of the Eva Teams most greatest One Ever!

Chapter 23: Misatos Sed-Ed (Double Team by TheRoyalFamilyI and GARHUNT05)

Misato: Because of the up-coming class trip, I have decided, as your teacher, to turn today's homeroom into a sex-ed class. We are going to cover everything from why you shouldn't do it at your age to the proper methods and best positions.  
Asuka: Uh, why exactly are we doing this?  
Misato: I know you don't want to hear this. However, I don't want you kids to end up like me, in college being taught by a pervert-  
Rei: Aren't all boys perverts?  
Misato: Yes. This is why _I_ am doing this. I know I'm not exactly the most clean one here, but I can speak from experience - lots of experience. I don't want you ladies (or gentlemen) to be caught with only, maybe, some awkward encounters, and a head full of strange ideas from your pornography.  
Shinji: But however could we get that to view it? We are underage - we would never do anything of the sort.  
Misato: Very cute. I happen to know for a fact, Shinji, that you have the largest collection of all, and that you share it with everyone here.  
Asuka: Oooohhhh! How embarassing  
Misato: You're one to talk. I caught you with a small stash of stuff yourself - and it all had Shinji's name on it.  
Shinji: So you DID lose that stuff! You said Hikari's sisters stole it!  
Asuka: ...  
Shinji: Those were the crown jewels to my sapphic collection...  
Rei: Awkward...  
Misato: Yes, this will be awkward. This will be embarassing. This will be humiliating. But I must do it.  
Asuka: But why?  
Misato: We will be going to one of the most romantic, most sensual places I can think of. There are twenty of you, and only one of me. Teenage hormones are bad enough, but you kids aren't used to them yet, and they can overcome the weaker wills of resistance - what wills there are, in our destination. I have a nose for these things, and will stop it when I can, but I can't be in more than one place at once. I know a few of you to keep my eye on - Shinji-  
Shinji: Why me!  
Misato: I can think of five young ladies (and may a boy or two) in this room that must be into you in some degree or another - otherwise, I don't know how they would tolerate you.  
Kaworu: That's really mean, Ms. Katsuragi.  
Misato: It's the truth.  
Shinji: Hmm...Asuka, Rei, Hikari, Mana...I can only think of four.  
Misato: ...There is another, I know...  
Rei: Who?  
Misato: ...I'm not telling. Point is, any one of these ladies might lose their composure and will to resist (hell, I think they spray pherimones in the air there), so I am keeping an eye on you especially. This doesn't mean I won't be watching the rest of you.  
Asuka: Well, I know that I won't be giving myself to Shinji, I and I am pretty sure I can speak for Hikari, too.  
Hikari: Um...  
Asuka: I wouldn't put it past Mana, though.  
Mana: Heh...  
Rei: Over my dead body, hussy  
Mana: Bring it on, freak-girl!  
Misato: STOP IT! This is entertaining and all, but save it for the trip - or at least lunch.  
Rei:  
Misato: Now, let's start at the beginning - abstinance. Nothing bad can happen if you just don't do it. I know you all might "love" each other, or whatever, but sex will totally make things weird for a while. I am pretty sure that you don't want that. Plus, you are just way too young. If something _were_ to happen, you have a long time to regret it. That, and I can all but guaruntee it won't be as fun as you would think. I doubt any of you boys would last longer than a couple of minutes, and the girls need a lot more time than that!  
Toji: Really?  
Misato: Absolutely. This isn't just about you - it's about her, too. Which brings me to my next point - condums. Since I figure I won't be able to stop _all_ of you, I should educate you on this subject. Unfortunately, all I can use is these pictures.  
Asuka: Gross!  
Misato: That's what I thought - at first. Anyways, they always use vegetables to demonstrate, but trust me, that's not good. Nobody is that big-  
Shinji: I might be...  
Misato: No, you aren't. Also, they are totally the wrong shape. It leads to wrong methods. I wish I could do a live demonstration, but that leads to problems-  
Toji: I'll do it!  
Misato: I figured you would volunteer.  
Shinji: Toji has no shame  
Misato: But the problems would be for the people watching - and their parents, so I can't. And it's quite important, too - proper methods mean maximum effectiveness. It's when you mess up that they mess up - and that would be terrible! I don't want any of you girls getting pregnant with twins at fifteen while the father goes off to be a secret agent somewhere, and you have to suffer the humiliation of being a schoolteacher  
Hikari: You got pregnant! As a teenager?  
Rei: Being a schoolteacher is a humiliation?  
Shinji: Mr. Kaji is a secret agent?  
Misato: I SAID NOTHING ABOUT KAJI! ...And I didn't say it was me, either.  
Asuka: Weren't you listening? She said she didn't learn until college, so it couldn't be her.  
Hikari: Oh, right. The pervert who taught her must have been Mr. Kaji, then.  
Asuka:  
Misato: Quiet, young lady!  
Asuka: So...who _were_ you talking about, then?  
Misato: Uh...my older sister.  
Shinji: But you don't have an older sister. You're an only child.  
Misato: Fine. But she sure was like an older sister, especially after my parents died.  
Shinji: I wonder who that could be...  
Asuka: ...You aren't talking about Mrs. Ikari, are you?  
Misato: ...Maybe...  
Asuka: Shinji's mom!  
Rei: Mother!  
Asuka: She isn't your mother...  
Rei: She will be, one day  
Mana:  
Rei:  
Shinji: Huh...I remember when I was really little, my mom was a teacher...  
Asuka: His dad was a secret agent?  
Misato: Yup. How do you think he became the head of NERV? By being a good scientist?  
Shinji: I was wondering about that. He's freaking genius, but not much of a scientist.  
Rei: What was that about twins again? Do you mean there is another guy like Shinji out there?  
Misato: No; it was a girl.  
Shinji: ...So I have a sister?  
Misato: Yup.  
Shinji: I wonder why my parents never told me...  
Misato: Your mother doesn't like to think of it. She gave the girl up for adoption, and very much regrets it now. We have no idea where she is now...  
Shinji: That's too bad.  
Misato: ...Now where were we? Oh, yes, condums. Like I said, you don't want to become a teenage mother, so wear a freaking condum, and do it right!  
Hikari: Question.  
Misato: Yes?  
Hikari: What if you aren't doing anything that would get you pregnant?  
Misato: Trust me, things can go seriously wrong with _any_ plan. You want him to wear one, and wearing one yourself wouldn't be such a bad idea, either.  
Hikari: I think you misunderstood me. What I am thinking of, you just _can't_ get pregnant...  
Misato: ...Oh I see. Why are you asking, if I may ask?  
Hikari: ...Uh...just curious, is all...asking a hypothetical...  
Misato: ...Well, condums are also there so you don't get nasty diseases. However, if you don't have (or carry) any such diseases, you can't spread them. Still, better safe than sorry.  
Hikari: I think we're in the clear.  
Asuka: Hmph. Like you'll be getting any from me, with that attitude.  
Misato: ...OK...That explains the porn I found on her... Did I answer your question, then?  
Hikari: I think so, yes.  
Misato: ...Good. Onto posistions and foreplay...

Misato: ok males know that women are very sensitive to the touch all over aour bodies this is due to the fact we are smaller than males but have the same amount of nerv endings.  
Toji: Asuka Sensitive Yeah right  
Asuka: throws book at toji  
Toji: ahh my groin  
Misato: that bring up another point males are sensitive the most in the groin area as are females, however a man can only experience ogasm through stimulation of the bleep.  
Toji: it hurts  
Rei Quiet you!  
Misato: Ahem women however are not only sensitive in the groin area but also the breasts, earlobes hair roots, inner thighs, feet, hands and lips. prettymuch women are walking ogasm machines!(some women ogasm by thought alone!)  
Shinji: then why is it so hard to make a woman reach it.  
Misato: tha'ts becaus most men focus on penetration and not foreplay since they are only sensitive in that one area.  
Kenske: I've figured it out the other woman is Mayumi  
Shinji: who?  
Kenske: Mayumi you know the girl who talks less than Rei  
Mayumi:blushing at least I read  
Rei:you look here B!tch Shinji is mine so stay away  
Misato: listen lets save the catfights for outside I'm trying to help you all here.  
Everyone yes ma'am  
Misato: ok Foreplay should be taken seriously and should last at least 15-20 minutes  
Shinji:what ifwe just want a quickie?  
Misato: you gotta learn how to take it slow before you do it fast and belive me if you go staight for it it will be a quickie  
Shinji: don't underestamate me  
Misato: anyway after Foreplay should be Cunnulingus wich is Oral performed on a woman  
Toji: still realling isn't that part of foreplay  
Misato: contrary to poular belief no its not it is a nother part of a "love making" session. now Guys I am strapped for time here so I'll say this have a steady rythm, us fingers libberally and DO NOT go straight for the bleep it will just end up bad for the both of you.now on to fellatio whic is simple girls you svck his bleep and the sam rule applies to joo as well.  
Everyone: ooooooo  
misato: now putting on a condum is quite simple since it's on the back of the fecking box,; roll it down an erect penls and take it off when you are "finished".  
toji: time for the demonstration  
Misato: I think you won't be "up to it" for a while toji

Toji: ouch that hurts misato  
Mayumi: throws another book at toji hits him in the heade kncoking him out  
Shinji: that was unneccessary  
Mayumi: we need to get back to the lesson.  
Misato: ok kid now I need another volunteer...Kaworu get up here  
Kaworu: me  
Misato: yes we all know a woman's touch means nothing to you.  
Shinji: (whispering) what does that mean?  
Asuka:  
Kaworugoes to the front of the class  
Misato: now for the demonstration, ok Now everyone pay attention thyis is how you put on a condom first open the wrapper then squeeze the tpand place it on the head now roll it down and you're done. simple  
Kaworu:  
Asuka: he seems too happy  
Kaworu  
Shinji: wayyy too happy  
Misato: ok Kaworu you may go back to your desk  
Kaworu: um may I go to the hall I need to finish something  
Misatok heres the hall pass  
Kaworu: thank you  
Misatok now on to positions, I'll need a couple volunteers for this one...Kenske and Rei get up here  
Rei: no wai Shinji-kun is the only one I want to "Demonstrate" with  
Asuka:tough nuggies you get the gun nut nerd  
Mana: just go ahead Rei its not like you'll be naked  
Mayumi: it's probably the best kenske is gonna get  
Misato: just get up here  
Rei: alright  
Kenske: Al-right!(giggiddy giggiddy goo)  
Misato: ok now I'll clear off my desk  
kenske clears off misaot's desk ith one arm yet everythin stays in place and neatly falls on the floor  
Kenske:I'ver been practicing  
Misato: I see, anyway Rei sit on the edge of my desk and kenske stand infront of her  
is done  
Kenske: he  
Rei  
Misato: this position is one of my faves I forgot the name but it allows for the male to use his hands for extended foreplay plus deep penetration.  
Everyone:takes notes  
Misato:now Rei lay on the the desk and kenske lay ontop of her.  
all the guys:woot  
all the girls: ugh  
Misato: this is called "male superoir" in which the male is on top this is traditional positions with many variations that we do not have time to get into detail but it does mean that a couple can have a make-out session during but tha't about it.  
Rei: somethings hitting me  
Misato: just dealwith it rei, now kenske you lay on the desk while Rei gets on top  
is done  
Everyone: OO oohhhhhhhhhh  
Misato: this is called "Female superior" in which the female is on top and she is in control of penatration experience women such asd myself love this posotiton since I go till I want to stop  
Mana: TMI Misato  
Misato: shut-up I'm almost don tiwht the lesson  
Rei: woat ever is hitting me got harder  
Misato: uh-oh we'd better hurry up then, ok rei now get off kenske-  
Shinji: more like "Get Kenske off"  
Asuka: shut up perv we all know that's happening  
Misato: ok Rei bend over and Kenske get behind her  
is done  
Kenske: this is the best class ever  
Misato: thgis is called "doggy style" as you can see the male is in almost complete control of penatration here tough he can let the girl "drive" so to speak. this particular position allows for deep penatration and I do mean deeep. and since it's not too intimate it is also great foir quickies and doing strangers  
Asuka: and how would you know this?  
Misato: Shinji's mom told me  
Shini: (pissed look)  
Misato: maybe I shouldn't have said that anyway that is the full lesson I hape that on the class trip you act respansibly  
Kaworu:with ear being held um misato I think we have a problem  
Pricipal: I wna to know what this young man was doin in the hall with a condum on his bleep wanking off, why that young man is on the floor in his underwear, all your stuff is off your desk, why these two students are dry hvmping and who are you?  
Misato: um...jumps out window


	24. Chapter 24: MOAR RANDOMSNESS 11

Chapter 24: some randomness!

Shinji: I don't want to pilot eva anymore.  
Misato: Quit your whining... Did you ever consider how LUCKY you are!  
Shinji: What do you mean, my father is a bleep, and I put my life on the line all the time.  
Misato: Yes, but you get to control God, you live with two HOT women, and then there's--  
Shinji: There's what?  
Misato:(Sexy Wink)

Shinji: (Weirded out look)

Misato: (quick flashes shinji)

Shinji: ohhhhhhhhhhh baby (sexy smile)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asuka: Bloody Hell! That's hot!  
Rei: "Bloody Hell"? Where do you get off saying that? Are you some half-arsed Brit or something?  
Asuka: Much more than you! I mean, come on, "Langley"? Besides, you're the "half-arsed Brit." You're always using your idioms and adding u's to words like "colours" and the like.  
Rei: So what if I do?  
Asuka: Well...nothing. Just stop being a hypocrite, allright?  
Rei: I suppose I should. Thanks for pointing that out.  
Asuka: Always happy to point out the flaws in others Rei: Of course Anyways, what's hot?  
Asuka: Uh...well, it's hot outside, duh. That's why we have our plug-suits on.  
Rei: Yes...the cooling systems are rather nice, though they don't help that much...but you said "that's hot," not "it's hot"  
Asuka: So I did...my mistake...heheh.  
Rei: I noticed that nervous laugh. Asuka: Really?  
Rei: Yes. So, what's hot?  
Asuka: Well.  
Rei: There's only one thing you could be refering to!  
Asuka: Heheh.  
Rei: Look, that's just going too far. Asuka: I know. Totally inappropriate. Sorry. Rei: No you aren't. You're just sorry I caught you. Asuka: .  
Rei: You see me like this all the time; why now?  
Asuka: Must be the heat.  
Rei: Asuka: It's the only thing different than usual.  
Rei: Perhaps. Or perhaps it's that we aren't at work, or in mortal danger, so you had time to notice me?  
Asuka: Perhaps.  
Rei: That never stopped Shinji from oggling me.  
Asuka: That's because he's a damn idiot pervert who doesn't know when that sort of thing is appropriate and not, because he thinks with that bloody other head of his. Rei: Wow...that didn't sound bitter at all.  
Asuka: Shut up! Just be quiet and look pretty!  
Rei: Asuka: ...Sorry.  
Rei: Look, you should know I don't approve of your yuri...or your sapphic collection-  
Asuka: You know about that!  
Rei: You had it all but lying out. All one had to do was know what they were looking at.  
Asuka: How would you know what you were looking at?  
Rei: No wonder you don't let Shinji in there.  
Asuka: You're avoiding my question.  
Rei: AND I certainly don't approve of your pictures of Hikari sleeping...or your pictures of her changing, or the showering pictures, or any of that stuff.  
Asuka: You found those!  
Rei: They were just under your pillow...why would you keep them there?  
Asuka: .  
Rei: Never mind. I don't think I want to know. What I do want to know is how you got them. Those are perversions of the sort Kensuke would be great at, if any girls let him within a hundred yards of their homes.  
Asuka: Well...I did have Kensuke sort of teach me.  
Rei: How did you get him to tell you his secrets?  
Asuka: I kinda promissed him the fruits of my labours.  
Rei: And you were buggering out about my letter additions? You didn't give them to him, did you!  
Asuka: Of course not! Those are mine. And besides, I couldn't have him selling them; Hikari would find out - she always finds out.  
Rei: So...how did you get him off your back?  
Asuka: Have you seen him around lately? Rei: You didn't...kill him...did you?  
Asuka: Oh, nothing so un-nuanced as that. He is quite alive - though NERV has a lot of resources.  
Rei: ...You are so going to hell.  
Asuka: For what, exactly? I haven't exactly acted on my passions.  
Rei: Doesn't it say in the Bible something about lusting and already having committed adultery in your heart.  
Asuka: How did you know about that! Rei: I'm Christian.  
Asuka: I thought Japanese people were almost all Shinto, or something like that.  
Rei: NERV is a bit different, if you hadn't noticed.  
Asuka: ...I hadn't.  
Rei: Almost everyone here is wearing crosses. Asuka: Oh.  
Rei: Asuka: Sorry if I don't notice every single little detail on everybody.  
Rei: Asuka: Besides, how did you become Christian, anyways?  
Rei: I had a lot of time in that tank to think about my purpose in life, and all that stuff. Asuka: Your purpose in life is to bring about the end of the world You don't need any Bible to tell you that.  
Rei: Eh, the Revelation of John is open to interpretation. Asuka: I suppose. Rei: .  
Asuka: You know what? I like you.  
Rei: I gathered.  
Asuka: No! Not in that way!  
Rei: Asuka: OK, not just in that way. But as a person, too - even a friend, maybe.  
Rei: Really? That's nice...I guess. Why do you bring this up?  
Asuka: Well, you mentioned the Rei-tank-  
Rei: "Rei-tank"? Asuka: Think about it.  
Rei: I suppose it is fitting.  
Asuka: Of course. Anyways, that reminded me of that Rei before you. Didn't like her at all. Too much like a doll. Never could get any reaction out of her, except when I badmouthed Shinji.  
Rei: She was in love with him, you know. Asuka: Isn't that wierd, though, with her being a clone of his mother and everything?  
Rei: Asuka: I know, I know, "Clones are not copies." Don't give me that spiel.  
Rei: Still, it's a pity I can't seem to convince Shinji of that.  
Asuka: Kinda hard when he is actively trying to avoid you.  
Rei: Yah.  
Asuka: Bah, don't worry about it. Shinji's not much of anything.  
Rei: Probably. But that's not the way she talked about him.  
Asuka: She talked about him? To you?  
Rei: Kinda like how you talk to the mirror - except we talked back.  
Asuka: Ah. Sorta got the story through rose-coloured glasses, huh?  
Rei: Sure did. It's difficult to let go of that.  
Asuka: Preconception?  
Rei: Yes. We never saw him ourselves, so we just had her word to go by.  
Asuka: Heh. She never really saw the real Shinji - not like I have. Like I said, don't get too worked up over him. Rei: Still.  
Asuka: Bah! That Rei was an odd one anyways. But not you. The other would never question my choice of language, never talk back to me. She just took it all in. I could never get close to her - never have a conversation, like I do with you. Rei: Too bad. She could tell a story.  
Asuka: Yes. I've seen them, and her sad poetry. Whatever. It is hot, though.  
Rei: What?  
Asuka: It's hot.  
Rei: Yes...but.  
Asuka: Confused? Rei: Very. Asuka: I am a genious. My mind can change gears much more quickly and efficiently than a normal person.  
Rei: I don't think that's quite how it works.  
Asuka: Hey, who's the genious here? Anyways, the best way to get cool would be to lower our internal temperature. Rei: How are we going to do that?  
Asuka: And in a sexy manner.  
Rei: Does it have to be sexy?  
Asuka: Well, I suppose I could just be you.  
Rei: Nuh-uh. You have to do it too. Asuka: Fine. Rei: What about swimming? That can be sexy. Asuka: Do you think the plug-suits will work in chlorinated water? Rei: Probably not. Asuka: Well, then that's out. We don't have our swim-suits with us.  
Rei: Do we have to have them? What about skinny-dipping?  
Asuka: No way!  
Rei: Don't you want to see me naked?  
Asuka: Very much so. But there is no way I am getting naked in front of you!  
Rei: How modest.  
Asuka: It's just my thing.  
Rei: Well, we could go back home and get our swim-suits. Asuka: No. We would have to go outside and walk home - and it's way hotter out there. We need cooling now.  
Rei: Well...I've got nothing.  
Asuka: ...How about ice cream?  
Rei: Sounds good. But how is that sexy?  
Asuka: We'll have to figure out a way - but I know we can do it!  
Rei: Yay us?  
Asuka: But we will have to have a contest!  
Rei: Wha?  
Asuka: Yes, a contest! See who can get the coolest fastest by eating the most ice cream!  
Rei: Does everything have to be a competition with you? Asuka: How can I win if there is no competition?  
Rei: Asuka: Then let the contest begin! But watch out for the dreaded ice-cream headache!  
Rei: Whatever.


End file.
